The Descendant of Caerbannog
by notsosolemnly
Summary: Sirius comes up with the classic scheme of faking engagement to get precious trust fund money without having to marry a pureblood. And he doesn't just fake engagement with any non-existent snob, but the nonexistent Siobhan Gwynfryn, who quickly becomes a household name as the rumour of her liquid crystal blood spreads. Contains plot holes and cross-dressing.
1. The dare

THE DESCENDANT OF CAERBANNOG

WARNING: CONTAINS MASSIVE PLOT HOLES, SHERLOCK HOLMES REFERENCES BECAUSE THAT TV-SHOW IS AWESOME AND LACKS SENSIBLE PACING! (I started this some time ago with another plot in mind, didn't write on it for some time and when I started writing on it again it got a new plot. )

Part 1: The dare.

It was a lovely and sunny late autumn day. The sun shone brightly and the sky was blue and plenty of flowers were still in their colourful prime. Lovely day to scrimshank and instead just doodle obscenities on the greenhouses.

"Let's do something fun" said James, capping his pen.

"Do you want to steal McGonagalls' crossword puzzles and solve them all?" Sirius asked.

"Not really"

"Come on, she'd be so annoyed!"

"I thought that maybe we could just steal Slughorns' firewhiskey or something"

Sirius tossed his pen and the issue of Playwitch he had used as pose reference in the compost heap.

"_Fine_"

And so they broke into Slughorns' office. The office was empty, because Slughorn was teaching at the moment. The interior design of the room was very dark and classy, with dark wooden panels covering the walls and maroon velvet curtains framing the window.

"Look, cigars!" Sirius said, having rummaged through several cabinets and drawers. He took a cigar from the box he had found, put it in his mouth and lit it.

"Give me, give me!" James urged, and missed the cigar that Sirius threw his way.

"You suck" said Sirius.

"No, _you _suck" James picked up the cigar from the carpeted floor.

"You couldn't catch a piece of iron, even if your hands were magnetic"

"Well, you throw like my armless grandmother, so no wonder" James lit the cigar, inhaled and coughed.

"Evans doesn't think I'm sophisticated. If only she could see me now"

When James tried to blow a ring, a fly flew into his mouth and nearly choked him. Sirius put down his cigar when he found a pipe. He proceeded to stuff the pipe with tobacco and then lit it.

"You don't get more sophisticated than this" he said as he went across the room to fetch a velvet robe from the wall.

"Another case closed, my dear Watson" he said, putting it on.

Slughorns' room was full of all kinds of grown-up goodies. A half empty bottle of cheap brandy stood on a small table, for example. Sirius lost interest in the pipe quickly, poured some brandy in a snifter glass and intended to chug the entire content in one sweep, but he could barely swallow a measly teaspoon before he started spitting the rest out.

"That was disgusting." he grimaced.

"You are such a sissy" said James. "Why don't you have yourself a juicebox?"

Determined to save his pride, Sirius downed the brandy that was left in the glass. A moment later he was already having difficulty maintaining his balance and had to support himself on the small table.

"Stop" Belch. "Spinning around, Prongs"

"I'm not spinning"

"Yes you are, and so is the room"

"You mean you're already drunk after that tiny splash of brandy?"

"That was no tiny splash!" Hiccup. "That was a large splash!"

"You are such a baby. Go lie down and let me tuck you in!"

"Shut your face! Go on, you try to drink one cup of brandy in one sweep! I dare you!"

James accepted the dare and did so.

"Oh God, that was terrible" he said, still having half of the dared volume left.

He finished the rest of it. "I don't feel a thing!" he said, tripping on a bearskin rug and dropping the glass so the few remaining drops got spilled out. Sirius pointed and laughed at the clumsiness. When James rolled over onto his back, he was met by a gruesome sight.

"What the hell is that?" he blurted out, pointing a shaky finger at the wall above the liqueur cabinet where several heads of dead wild animals hung in a neat row. A couple of them were of the antler-sporting variety, and one of them was, of course, a pretty stag. Sirius saw it, took it down from the wall and put it in front of his face.

"Prongs! I am your father!" he said eerily, and made Darth Vader-y breathing sounds.

James looked away, not amused in the least. "Quit it!"

"But son! Avenge me!"

James dug into his pockets and got out a roll of fire crackers. Sirius put the trophy down, suddenly slightly paler looking than normal.

"Ok. You win" he stammered.

James produced a flame from his wand and held it threateningly close to the fire crackers. Sirius backed away frightfully.

"I said you win. What more do you want?!"

Then James lit the fire crackers. Several loud bangs followed. Sirius started running around in circles, whimpering in panic as if New Years had come early before he disappeared under the bed and stayed there until the sound stopped.

"You can come out now" said James, getting up from the floor.

But Sirius didn't come out from under the bed. Animagi didn't normally adopt traits from their animals, unless they had been neglectful and not bothered use a scale that worked properly, for example. But a strong sense of kinship was a common side effect.

"The crackers are gone!"

Still nothing. James was about to bend down and pick up the trophy head when Sirius suddenly attacked him from behind and wrestled him to the floor. Several murder threats were shouted.

"You will pay for that!" Sirius yelled.

"What about you? You desecrated my equal!" James hit Sirius over the head with the trophy.

Punches flew. Some were hits, some misses. This continued until they could hear the door handle being pressed down. They fled the room, tripping over each other in the process and escaped through the window. The castle was a very climbing friendly place, as well they knew.

"Why did you take that thing?" Sirius asked once they had made it to the ground.

"I don't know. I want to give it a proper burial" James replied.

"I was just joking when I said it was your father"

They were heading towards the forest. As they passed the green houses, James grabbed a shovel to bring along. On the outskirts of the forests they bumped into Remus, who appeared to not be in the library during recess for a change. He was carrying a large book in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other, with which he closely examined a flower.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked.

"I decided to pick up botany. Does this look like chives to you?"

"Not in the least"

Remus threw away the blue flower. "What are you doing with the head of a dead animal?"

"Prongs wants to give the thing a burial"

Since they both reeked of fire whiskey, Remus asked no further questions.

"It's not a thing!" James objected.

"Sorry; 'your equal'"

Then James got tired of his equal and threw it away, along with the shovel.

"Padfoot?"

"What?"

"Do you think I should get a girlfriend?"

"If you want?" Sirius searched his pockets for cigarettes.

"Who, do you think?"

"What? You want me to set you up or something?" He stared sadly into the pathetically empty box he found.

"I don't know… Although I know you've always wanted to"

"Can't one of the chicks from the team be your girlfriend?" Sirius searched the pockets in Slughorns' robe next, finding the lack of content more interesting than his lack of cigarettes and James' angst. "Oh, that is just messed up. Hello, full marks on all my potions homework from now on…"

"No, that might jeopardize things. Out of the question"

"Hey Prongs? You wanna put your hand in my pocket?" Wiggly eyebrows.

Sensing an ulterior motif of a perverted nature, James dug up some soil from the ground and rubbed it in Sirius' face.

"What about Janine?" Sirius spat some dirt out. "She's a redhead, too"

"It doesn't _have _to be-"

"Or do you suddenly want a girlfriend as some ploy to make Evans jealous or something?"

"_No!" _ Although, that would be a bonus.

"That is a very tried and true method, but you should probably stop trying to secretly drug her tea first-"

"Now hang on! When have I ever secretly drugged her tea?"

"I saw you drugging a cup of tea. Then I saw you giving her an identical cup of tea a week later"

"That's because all cups here look the same. The cup you saw me drug was for you!"

"You drugged me? How could you?"

"Anyway, I've kind of given up hope where she is concerned. I honestly don't think it's meant to be"

"No such thing as 'meant to be'" said Sirius, quite reluctantly participating in the tedious discussion. "Your problem isn't that it's not 'meant to be'. Your problem is that you're doing it wrong"

"I'm not doing anything"

"And you're doing it wrong. Did you even read the book I wrote, '_Doctor Love's Guide to the Land Down Under'_? I kind of regret the title. People keep thinking it's a travel book"

Remus had a copy of it in his bag, conveniently enough. He gave it to Sirius, since it was taking up too much space anyway and making it difficult for him to find the small spade that he had actually been rummaging for.

"Well, it does have a map of Australia on the cover" he said.

"It's not Australia. I tried to draw a pair of knickers with my left hand"

"I read the back of it" said James. "And concluded it was bollocks and left it at that"

"It is not bollocks. It is based on my empirical studies and experiences"

"Well, I suppose I didn't by your claim that you have a fool-proof program, customized after the over-simplified types that you've mapped out, that '_even the Elephant Man couldn't fail'"_

"Maybe that was an exaggeration, but you don't look _that _bad. If you had read as far as to page 16 you would have seen that all you need is contact lenses"

"I honestly doubt that your shallow book can help me. I don't see how Evans could fit into any of your 'types'"

"For your information, she is type 4: the Ice Queen. All you have to do is follow the program customized for the type"

"That program wouldn't even work for you"

"It so would"

"It so would not"

"Would"

"I dare you"  
Accepting dares was Gryffindor code. Bros-Before-Hoes was another. Seeing as this therefore caused Sirius much internal conflict, he decided to pretend he hadn't heard.

"Oh look, chives!" he said, pointing at a daisy. Remus attacked it immediately with his magnifying glass and botanic encyclopedia.

"So you're not accepting the dare, then?" James asked. "Well, I don't blame you"

"I'm sure that the rules state that if the dare-giver shows signs of mental instability, it is ok to pretend it never happened"

"You coward…"

Another Gryffindor code was that if you called another Gryffindor the C-word, you would _so _regret it. A glare fest ensued.

"If you say that again" said Sirius. "You will be _so _sorry"

Gryffindors had a lot of pride-and-honour based codes. For example, you did not back down just because somebody else gave you a threat. There for James _did _say the c-word again. The game was afoot.


	2. A very angry letter

THE DESCENDANT OF CAERBANNOG

Warning: Contains plot holes, cross-dressing, weird timing.

Part 2: A very angry letter

The lovely day remained lovely in the afternoon, and made it very lovely for the students spending it in the library. Remus was carefully dissecting a tulip as James expressed his deep feeling of guilt for having called Sirius the C-word earlier.

"I don't know what came over me" he said. "I was way out of line!"

"I know. What were you even thinking, saying the _C-word_?" Remus asked reproachfully.

"That was truly a new low for me. I feel terrible"

"Maybe you should go and make peace, if you feel so terrible"  
James though that was a very jolly idea indeed, and left to just that this very instant.

The commonroom buzz increased as students returned from their last class of the day. The atmosphere was jolly and energetic, invigorated as it was by the lovely weather.

"You should return the diary" said Mac told Lily, as they along with Cas entered the commonroom. "I can't believe you stole it. Stealing diaries is just _uncool!"_

"Cas dared me. What was I supposed to do?" Lily said to her defense.

"It's not _stealing_. It's _borrowing"_ Cas insisted, nearly crashing into a sofa because her nose was in the diary.

"But I am returning it now. Give it here"

"No! I'm not finished with it!"  
"Mac is right. It was wrong and immoral and I have to return it now while Rol is out doing laps around the hoops and act like it never happened"

Lily tried to get the diary back, but Cas wouldn't let her have it. She hopped into the sofa, right next to Sirius, who had been sitting there doing some writing.

"'_Dear diary'" _she read. "_'I can't decide if I should ask him out or not-'"_

"For the love of Bechdel…" Mac, resident feminist, sighed.

"'_But that dilemma aside, the most interesting part is that Evans has the most uncanny ability to find any excuse to randomly show up and interrupt whenever I'm amidst working up the courage"_

"Hey!" Lily snatched the diary from Cas and slammed it shut. "Hardly my fault there is a rule against blockage in the hallways! We're not actually allowed to sit on the floor with our legs stretch out and make people hop scotch by! I'm a prefect! It's my duty to uphold the rules!"

"Whose diary is that?" Sirius asked.

"Rols" Cas replied. "I dared Lily to steal it, so she did"

"That is not at _all _why I did it. Also, it's not stealing, it's borrowing" Lily insisted, putting back the protective charms on the diary that she had broken earlier.

"Why, then?"

"Because! Investigation purposes. Prefect related. She totally deserved it! Coward…"

"Woah!" said Mac. "That is a bit harsh, don't you think?"

"Yeah, ok, maybe"

"She sounds like total coward" said Sirius. "Sounds like she thought so herself…

"Yeah! Exactly! Her words! As good as"

"Because you're _so _much braver, aren't you?" Cas rolled her eyes. "If you were, I wouldn't have had to dare you to steal that thing in the first place just because you really wanted to make sure that-"

"What's that? Homework?"

"Erm, not quite…" Sirius replied. "Just an angry letter to the ministry. Well, I say 'letter'…"

He put on some protective goggles and then splashed some drops from a tiny bottle containing some kind of black coloured elixir. Every time a drop hit the paper, you could hear a tiny scream.

"'Angry letter'? Whatfor?"

For reversing the law of mandatory screenings of teacher post applicants. The trash they allow at this place… It's just unacceptable!"

They couldn't believe it. The revelation that Sirius cared about _school _was shocking indeed.

"Is that_ Eau de Eyeburn _that you're splashing over the thing?" Lily asked. _Eau de Eyeburn _was notoriously difficult to produce.

"Yup. Shame to waste used scratch cards-"

"You _made _it?!"

Somehow, for some reason, Cas was filled with a sense of I-don't-like-this.

"Weren't you gonna return the diary?" she reminded.

"Oh, right" Lily left to do so. Then Mac excused herself as well, saying she had homework, but really she didn't want to be around to witness a domestic.

"You did _not_ make that!" said Cas, pulling the protective goggles off of Sirius quite aggressively.

"Well… _No_, but if I had had goblin toenails-"

"Angry letters to the ministry? Advanced potion making? What are you doing?"

"You just said it. I'm writing angry letters-"

"Why are you being _nice_? As in not-mean! To _Lily! _All of a sudden, although you said gingers give you the collywobbles! Why?!"

"Ok, fine. All of that was an act. I am actually super in love. There, you dragged it out of me. Every time I see her I just want to play connect-dots with her freckles-"

"You're right. I overreacted. Of course I should have realized this is all part of some kind of dare or bet-"

"No it's not. I honestly want to connect her freckles-"

Cas pulled his hair, said: "No you don't!" and left.

After the hair-pulling, Sirius was in too much pain for adding any more screaming potion to the angry letter. James had arrived to witness the scene a minute or two before Cas had stormed off and had forgotten why he had come in the first place.

"I was gonna pull your hair. Looks like Cas beat me to it" he said, pouting.

"Why were you gonna pull my hair?" Sirius tidied his hair miserably.

James snatched the angry letter from Sirius' lap.

"'_Dear Ministry of Magic. You should be ashamed of yourselves! You're all a bunch of wankers. Have at you! Splashy, splashy. Yours sincerely, Speedy Gonzales'_ You couldn't even use your own name?_"_

"I will have that back now, unless you came to apologize-"

"You wish! Personally, I think that pretending to be something you're not is cheating"

"It's not _pretending_. It's channeling different aspects. If you had read as far as to chapter six-"

"Maybe I would have bough that, but I think the letter itself made it very plain that it is all very much pretend"

"What? The letter was _very _angry!"

"It won't work"

"We'll see about that"

This wasn't how the scene was supposed to have played out.

"Yeah, even if it would work on anybody, it's _still _pretend! Just admit it!"

That was really all James wanted. For Sirius to just admit that it _was _pretend.

"Nope. If you're so sure, why are you fussing? You're not _afraid_, are you?"

Being a Gryffindor really sucked, sometimes.


	3. Let's all go to the bookshop tomorrow

THE DESCENDANT OF CAERBANNOG

Part 3: Let's all go to the book shop tomorrow

If now James did harbor a teensy bit of concern, it wasn't completely irrational, nor did it mean he didn't give the female gender enough credit. In addition to generally being found to be irresistible to quite a lot of people, Sirius great-grandmother had been a veela. A _veela! _ It wasn't something he ever boasted about. James had found out by accident one time when he had been looking for a sock, and he assumed that the reason Sirius insisted that it was 'way back, barely counts, come on, shut up', was that he thought it somehow invalidated his previously a lot more mysterious and often quite concerning power of attraction. As if having some veela ancestry was more "cheating" than ordinary genetics. And it was cheating, James totally agreed there.

In any case, and as well everybody knew, veelas were by definition pathologically magnetic to just about everybody. Real veelas could reduce you to a state of admiration that as good as turned you into a hypnotized zombie without effort. Sirius reduced people to cat-staring-at-microwave at most.

But still. So this was the cause for James' concern and the reason for him being distracted at quidditch that evening.

"My diary disappeared today!" said Rol, chatting away on their way back to the tower. "But it was back this afternoon"

"Maybe you misplaced it in your sleep" said James.

"I think somebody stole it. Which is just rude! I know it's not a very interesting story, but you seemed a bit aloof today"

"Really? It's probably because… I think I might have to kick Steve off the team"

"I thought you loved kicking people off the team"

"Why would I love kicking people off the team?"  
"You do it every week, for a start"

"Somebody deserves it ever week! You were there! You saw him crash through that window"

"Well, you did make Roy and Stacey attack him quite aggressively"

"Is it so bad that I want to sift out the ones that are prone to nervous breakdowns? I can't have people who can't take a little pressure!  
"There is no 'I' in 'team'"

"Do you want frail little violets on the team?"

"No, I just don't want a new seeker every bloody week"

"So you want to keep Steve?"

"No, I want Gwen back! It wasn't her fault that a magpie attacked her"

"She wore earrings. Magpies love shiny things"

"It _wasn't _her _fault!"_

"_Fine!_ Get her back, then!"

"Really?"

They reached a staircase that transported them to the second floor. There they turned left and reached yet another series of long and ominous corridors to navigate through. Rol go the most recent Prophet out of her bag and unfolded it.

"By the way, guess who is coming to the book signing at the FAB in Hogsmeade tomorrow?"

"Pfft, another boring crime novelist?"

"Darren O'Hare is signing his biography"  
James snatched the paper from Rol and stared intently at the ad.

"Tomorrow at 10. What do I have at 10? It doesn't matter!"  
"I have independent studies, so I am free to tell him that he's got nothing on Jen McKay"

"Except when her hair extensions got stuck in his buttons and she cried about it like a baby…"

"Those are not extensions! And her hair did not get stuck! He pulled her hair! Shows how mature he is…"  
"Please, that's just your feminist goggles talking"

"The Liverpool Lanterns are way better than those Queer-O Kestrels, and that is not my feminist goggles talking, but my score results goggles talking"

"Yeah, everyone knows they one because Miss McKay slept with the referee"

"That is a rumour that the stupid show off Darren started because he was so traumatized after being defeated by an all-girls team, stupid macho pig!"  
"See, you're letting your feminism cloud your judgment. It keeps you from judging him objectively as a player"  
"That's because I've never actually seen him play. I've only ever seen him show off.

After a long series of ominous corridors, they had finally arrived at the Fat Lady.

"If you're going too, maybe we could go together" Rol suggested.

"Sure"

They parted and went to their separate dorms to drop off their stuff. Meanwhile, snorting sounds emitted from behind an old muggle newspaper in a corner of the common room.

"Jesus, she is _so _transparent" said Lily frumpily.

"And you are so observant!" said Sirius. "Why, I didn't even notice her transparency until you pointed it out!"  
Lily had been so busy being frumpy behind an old newspaper that she hadn't even noticed that she had company. She scanned her immediate surroundings for whoopee cushions, buckets of blood convenient placed above her head and the like. Suddenly Cas joined them as well.

"Hey!" she said. "Would you like me to ask what they are doing tomorrow for you, seeing as you don't have the guts to do it yourself?"

"I _so _have the guts! I just don't care"

Ignoring her, Cas started wiggling her eyebrows suggestively the minute James decided to join the little gathering.

"So, what are you and Rol doing tomorrow?"  
"It's quidditch related. None of you would care"  
"Ooooh"

"'Ooooh' what?"

"Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Say no more"

"Darren O'Hare is signing his biography at the FAB" James clarified, genuinely puzzled at the non sequitur Monty Python quoting.

"Didn't she have that T-shirt with a naked caricature of him with really unflattering proportions?" Sirius asked.

"Yup"  
"Is she going to wear it?"

"She can't hate him entirely. Why else would she go?"

"Well, you did go to the FAB that one time when that chick was there from the team you don't like, the Wobbly Wifflewaffles-"

"-Wild Waxwings-"

"-and just hung out by the adult literature with a T-shirt of her and the judge in a compromising position that you had designed yourself"  
"That was entirely different. And her proportions were flattering"

"Not really, but didn't you get banned after that?"

"Yep. That's why I got this" James showed them a fake moustache and then put it on.

"I should go to the signing too" Cas thought.

"Why?" Lily asked.

"Because he's famous and I have such few autographs in my autograph book"  
"Maybe I will go too"  
"Oh?"  
"My coupon for _Warfare With Charms _is expiring soon. I need to use it"  
"What can you do to your opponent besides making him do something funny?"

"25 % off"  
"I have to go too" said Sirius. "I also have a coupon"  
"For what?" James asked.

Sirius showed him a coupon that Remus had been searching for all day, because it was his coupon.

"20 %. Any book. Expires tomorrow"


	4. Moo ma & Moo pa

THE DESCENDANT OF CAERBANNOG

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	5. A sexist remark

Part 5: A sexist remark.

Although the Gryffindor quidditch team had their scheduled practice sessions on Mondays and Wednesdays, they tried to spend as much time as they could on perfecting their maneuvers and formations on other days as well. This tended to irritate the other houses.

"We booked it!" insisted Carol, captain of the Hufflepuff team.

"Why does this always happen?" James sighed.

"Yeah, just leave, it's not like you stand a chance anyway!" said Roy.

"This is so typical of you!" said Judy K, another Hufflepuff. ""You never book the field! You just show up when it suits you and act like you own it! When will you get it through your thick heads that the field is school property and not Gryffindor property?"

"Well, there is McGonagall now" said Rol. "Why don't we let her settle this? Although if it were up to me I'd let you have the field. Then maybe you could provide some _actual _competition for a change"

"_Fine!" _ Judy K agreed.

Both teams went up to McGonagall, who seemed to be heading towards Hagrid's.

"Professor McGonagall?" said Carol. "We booked the field tonight and they won't leave!"  
"We were here first" said James. "Also, we booked it too. Right?"

"Right!" Steve replied. He was in charge of booking. "I am _pretty _sure I booked it"

"Well, there you go then"

"Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry" said McGonagall. "Hagrid made mulled wine and wants my dating advice. Why don't you check with the list? It's on every notice board"  
"I have the copy right here" said Carol, unfolding it. "It says that we booked it tonight between 7 and 9, as you can all plainly see"

"There's obviously been some kind of mistake" said James. "Steve is _sure _he booked it"

"Not just sure" said Steve. "_Pretty _sure"  
"It wouldn't be the first time they didn't bother booking it" said Judy A of Hufflepuff.

"_Pretty _sure, you say…" McGonagall scratched the back of her neck. "Well, they _were _here first…"

"But what is the point of booking, if it's first come first serve?" Carol asked, getting quite agitated. "This must be the secret of your success: Stealing hours from other teams!"

"And I'm sure the fact that you finish last every year has _nothing _to do with the fact that you have four _Judy's _alone…" said James.

Even the wind stopped being noisy, just because it didn't want to miss any of this.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Judy L asked, glaring poisonously.

"It means your team has the highest Judy ratio, what else would it mean? Just calm down" said Steve.

"Well how observant you are to have observed that we are an all girls' team!" said Carol. "Of course nobody says _anything_ about Slytherin being an all boy's team _and _notorious cheaters. So if we're not as successful as they are, it's because we like to, you know, actually play _by _the rules! You guys should try it sometime! It's catching on-"

"We don't cheat!" Gwen spat. "Cheating would be beneath us!"  
"We all know you don't count tackling as cheating"  
"That's funny, because we always go especially easy on you, and you _still _lose!" said Mort.

"Why, you-" Judy A clenched her fists in much anger. Carol held her back.

"They're trying to provoke us. It's what Gryffindors do, because they are _so _insecure! In any case, we booked the field!"

Suddenly Professor Sprout joined them, having come to see McGonagall.

"We're all waiting, Minny" she said. "You better come before we finish all the mulled wine"  
"We also booked it, so… Word against word, I suppose" said James. "Why don't you come back tomorrow and do some knitting for now or something-"

"Come on, there's nothing wrong with knitting" said Rol.

"I didn't say there was, it's why I suggested it"

"Friendly reminder than Gwen and Stacey and I are chicks, too. Are we just on for show, or something?"

"No, you're like the exceptions to the rule"

"What?"

"Not. I'm sorry. That came out in the wrong company"

"Yeah, let's argue about that later" said Gwen. "The field is ours tonight"  
"Now hang on!" said Karen, Hufflepuff prefect and keeper. "Isn't there a rule against sexist slurs?"

"It was a _suggestion_!" said Mort. "What happened to free speech?"

"That was _terribly _offensive!" Sprout agreed. "Don't you think so, Minny?"

"Hm, what?" McGonagall looked up from her knitting. "Oh, yes. Terribly offensive. 20 points from Gryffindor and detention to you, Potter. Now, if you Hufflepuffs will kindly leave so Gryffindor can get on with their practice-"

"20 points and a detention?! Minny, you can't be serious! Now is the time to set your foot down and show that such slurs aren't tolerated!"

"Ok, 40 points. How does that sound?"

"You ought to ban Potter from quidditch for the rest of the season for that remark!"

"'Ban'? Come now, Pomona, he was just yanking their chains, I'm sure he didn't mean it-"

"That doesn't matter! It is not ok to say things just to 'yank people's chains'!"

"People can say so much worse, it was nothing-"

"So that's your argument? 'There's worse'?"

"Fine. Potter, you are banned for a week-"  
"A _measly week?!"_

"A month, then. A month is a really long time when you're a teenager!"  
"This is blatant favouritism and you know it, Minny! If it had been any other house you would have given them a year at least!"

"I so would… _not _have! Besides, it's not like this affects Hufflpuff. They will still finish last, even if he's banned"  
Sprout's eyes narrowed. "If you don't have him banned for the rest of the season to make an important statement, I will tell Dumbledore that thing you don't want me to tell him!"  
McGonagall glared back. "You _wouldn't!"_

"You wanna take the risk?"

No. She did not.


	6. Rags to riches

Part 6: Rags to riches

Since Lily had made it very clear that she was not willing to involve herself in Sirius ploy to get that trust fund money that he thought he deserved for the damage his hearing at suffered, he had needed to find somebody else to fill the role of pretend-fiancé. It hadn't been that hard. It was very easy to bribe Remus into doing just about anything. He had never been one to _not _abject his morals for a Twix, although preferably M&amp;Ms.

When James came storming into the dorm, earlier than anticipated, Sirius was amidst testing out wigs on Remus from his wig collection.

"On second thought, I don't think we should go with blonde…" said Sirius, throwing the Marilyn wig back into his box of wigs and rummaged after another one. He tested a maroon wig next.

"Maybe this one, it's very Vivien Leigh, especially if you put it up like so… Where did I put the pins?"

"Where on the LGBT scale are you today?" Remus asked. Sirius fluctuated quite a lot between hetero and slightly-bi.

"Are you saying that you can't be hetero and like Vivien Leigh? That doesn't even make sense"

"I'm saying that if you like Vivien Leigh, I don't want her wig"

"Oh, sweetie, you don't pull of Vivien Leigh _that _well!"  
Remus shook his head tiredly at Sirius' 'swishy' act. He wasn't actually swishy. But he was very impressionable and on top of that a Queen fan.

"Anyway, so Prongs" Sirius said, taking a pin from his mouth. "Aren't you supposed to be doing that sport thing?"

James was lying flat on his bed. "Yeah, I am supposed to be doing that sport thing! Except I have been banned from said sport thing. Banned for the rest of the season! Can you believe it?"

"Banned?" Remus could believe it, but he did wonder why it had happened now as opposed to a long time ago.

"Banned for what? Hold still, please" Sirius tried to brush the Vivien Leigh wig. It had gotten quite badly tangled from crowing in a box with a bunch of other wigs for lengthy time. He would have to fetch his best brush after all, one that wouldn't break it.

"For not censoring my right to free speech!" said James.

"Did you say something racist?" Remus whispered.

"No!"  
"Something sexist, then?"

"Well-"  
"Why would you say something sexists? That's just all kinds of dumb, whatever opinions you might have!"  
"Yeah, some truths are just not ok to talk about" said Sirius, tearing the brush through the wig with a combination of brute strength and utmost delicacy, which was quite an impossible combination to master, as a matter of fact. "such as the general inferiority of girls, for example. But kudos to you, for telling it like it is!"  
"What did you say exactly?"

"I may have sort of implied that the reason for Hufflepuff always finishing last is that they are an all girls' team. Because they were fussing!"  
"Girls aren't just generally awful at quidditch, they fuss a lot too" Sirius nodded.

"I don't see why that would be true anyway, considering old women invented quidditch" said Remus.

"Quidditch was _not _invented by old women!" James objected.

"Sure it was. Except instead of different kind of balls they used cats"  
"They may have played a similar game, but old women did _not _invent quidditch! Anyway, it's all so unfair! McGonagall wouldn't have banned me, had it not been for Sprout!"  
"My getting banned from cheerleading was her fault too" said Sirius. "The Ravens were being in our face, saying they were better at doing splits and so I said that parting legs was all they were good for, and… Yeah, Sprout is just way oversensitive; I mean they totally started it. And how can you _not _say it when somebody boasts their ability to do splits?"

James rolled over to stare miserably at the ceiling instead of his pillow.

"Now what am I going to do with the rest of the year?"  
"Theatre?" Remus suggested. "School paper? Chess club? Choir? I hear air-curling is really catching on"

"It couldn't have happened at a worse time" said James. "It's all fun to slander Slytherin and obviously they could never be as good as us, but lately… They have been sucking less than usual. They've really changed ever since Mordecai Moran took over after Solsticius Slab. And I'm not sure if Gryffindor can beat them with-"

"_Without _you? I know you love blowing up your importance and credit yourself for your success, but are they really _that _dependent?" Sirius asked.

"No, but I was going to make some changes. It has nothing to do with _me, _but _us. _It was time to make some updates"  
"So talk to Hooch outside practice. Show her the stuff you wanted to update"

"I would, but I'm banned from the field and from broomsticks. I hate not being involved at all"  
"Are you banned from all sorts of involvement?"

"As good as"  
"No such thing as 'as good as'. Why not pick up cheerleading? They're meant to be motivational and encouraging, after all"  
"'Cheerleading'? I don't know-"  
"It's not just for the ladies! Male cheerleading has a long and proud tradition and it won't make you _gay_, if that's what you're _afraid _of-"

"That is _not _at all what I'm afraid of"  
"The groups are mixed. When I was still in it we were six girls and four blokes- none of us 'flaming' in any way. Well, who knows about Geoff but he insists he's not"

"And you're not convinced because…?"

"Oh I don't know, because he's timid and doesn't date and hangs out in the library a lot, you know the type?" Sirius pointed blatantly at his wig mannequin.

"I'm confused" said James. "I know you used to think Moony was swishy, but I thought you changed your mind"

"I'm just saying that Geoff is either gay or he is a werewolf. Which do you think is more likely?"

"How does that prove the point you were trying to make?" Remus asked,

"He's just a possible exception. The other guys are straight. It's very important for Prongs to know these things, as you know-"

"Hasn't it occurred to you that maybe this guy is, I don't know, an introvert?"

"No such thing"

"Just carry on with the stereotyping, why don't you…"

"An introvert doing cheerleading? Do _you _believe that?"

"It's a _spectrum!"_

"Once you rule out the impossible" Sirius shrugged.

"I don't know where you got the idea that I care about sort of thing" said James.

"If you care so little, why have you been so reluctant to try it out?"

"I'm not reluctant. As a matter of fact, I think it's a brilliant idea"

The cheerleaders hadn't finished their rehearsals yet. James thought he ought as well go and apply right now. But first he wanted to change into something more work out friendly. Meanwhile, Sirius was done with the hair styling and moved on to the make up.

"By the way, why are trying to turn Moony into Vivien Leigh? Is it for some drag queen act thing?"

"No, but thanks for the idea!" Sirius replied. A drag act. What a good way to make money. "Who should I be…"

"Carly Simon?" Remus suggested.

"Hm maybe… _You're so vain!" _ Sirius twirled the hairbrush as if it was a boa in a jazzy rhythm._ "You probably think this song is about you! Don't you? DON'T YOU?!"_

"So, why then?" said James, kind of wanting answers.

"Will I need to get a tan…?"

"Please? Why?"

"Oh, because… Well, did you notice how cold it got in the book shop the other day?"

"Yeah. Were those your parents I saw across the room, Nathalie?"

"'Nathalie'?" Remus hadn't been there. He had been in the library, since they had had independent studies and he actually cared about that sort of thing. But it had been unusually empty.

"Nathalie Wood, my drag act" Sirius quickly added. "She sings. _I like to be in America! Lalalalala America!"_

"Rita Moreno" Remus corrected him.

"Yeah, I don't know why people keep asking me about your position of the LGBT spectrum…" said James, leaning against the door. He wanted to go to cheer leading. He also wanted answers.

"So, if a bloke kind of knows songs from West Side Story he has to be swishy?" Sirius asked, looking for the right shade of eyeshadow. "Is that what you're saying? Huh? You are so close minded! _Hold my hand and I'll take you there!"_

"You don't even like West Side Story all that much" said Remus, blinking from getting a little eyeshadow in his eyes. "Why would you want to be Nathalie Wood?"

"Nathalie is his middle name" said James.

"_What?"_

"Now, can I have my answers?"

"No it isn't…" Remus couldn't believe it. All of Sirius' my-mum-is-so-bitchy jokes aside, that was just too much.

"No. It isn't " Sirius agreed. "Yeah, well they were shouting and fussing because… They want me to get married"

"Now? What's the rush?" James asked.

"They think more in terms of 'getting it over with'"

"Don't they want you to focus on school?"

"The girl they wanted to set me up with is already out of school. And apparently she's not terribly picky with who she marries. The details are all very boring. Long story short: I didn't show up when I was supposed to have. They got mad and fussy. Because I want compensation for years of psychological torment, I kind of told them that Evans was my super pure fiancé. But she wasn't too happy about that, which is just as well. Moony is quite compliant I've noticed in spite of generally being quite fussy. Stop blinking"

"And… You don't think they will notice that the next girl you bring is Vivien Leigh and not the other one from the book shop?"

"The girl from the book shop was Gilligan Gwynfryn. This is Siobhan Gwynfryn, her older sister. Siobhan is way purer. I was always more in love with her super pureness. And now she's finished! Ta-da!"

Being quite effeminate, Remus had on a number of occasions been mistaken for a girl even when he was styled as himself. But the girl clothes and make up work really helped bringing him from Cinderella to princess. And he didn't even stuff and he refused to wear skirts and dresses, but long drape-y blouses and tight trousers worked just as well. Sirius had known from the start that it was best to go for a androgynous coat hanger type styling.

And so it was time to go and introduce Miss Gwynfryn to the world. Gemmata Grave, a distant aunt of Sirius' was having some kind of fancy mingling thing on a medieval boat that she had inherited. She had been in touch with Sirius personally, really keen on meeting miss Gwynfryn. The word had spread quickly. The Gwynfryns were legendary and paradoxically very little was known about them since they were known for keeping to themselves on somewhere on the Welsh countryside.

They went down to the commonroom together and stopped by the fireplace.

"Now, have you practiced your accent?" Sirius asked.

Remus cleared his throat nervously. "Hang on… Just… give me a minute. Ok, here we go-"

"Look, it's not hard! Just sound really excited when you talk! Like an old, excited lady! _Can you bring me the crayon please? _ Now you"

"_Can you- _I keep slipping into Scottish. Look, if now I'm so super pure, would it not make sense for me to want to hide my true accent? People do this, _don't you know!"  
_"What was that?"

"_You tell me!"  
_"It's like a hybrid now. At least you're getting close"  
"_Can you bring me the crayon-"_

"Now you just sound Indian" said James.

"To answer your question" said Sirius. "It does not make sense. Welsh purebloods are rare and highly regarded because of it. You know, it makes people think of druids and Stone Henge and that sort of thing. Purists love old things"

"Why are they so rare?"

"Beats me. They probably just never cared. They built Stone Henge, they were smart. _They were smart. _See what I did there?"

"_They were smart" _ Remus tested it out. "_They were smart. _I think I got it. _They were smart. Can you bring me- _ Nope"  
"How come you just went from Gilligan to Siobhan in a matter of days?" James asked.

"Siobhan was not available. She was abroad"

"Well, then. Some people have really adaptable accents. Perhaps Siobhan is an accent-shifter"

"That's plan B. We'll, we're exactly 40 minutes late now so we should probably get going"


	7. Give me a G! Give me an R!

Part 7: Give me a G! Give me a R!

The cheerleaders had 20 minutes left before they would all call it a day. They were in the middle of rehearsing the latest cheer, jumping in their red t-shirts and yellow sweatpants.

"_G R Y F! Slytherins jump off a cliff! F I N D! Finders, keepers, those are we! O O O O! Here we go-go! R R you dumb? We will send you on your bum!"_

The performance culminated in a pyramid.

"_Gooo Griffins!"_

Cas blew her whistle. The pyramid dismantled itself and the cheerleaders went to do some stretching.

"Janine? A word?"

Janine followed Cas silently to the corner of the sports hall. They sat down on the large, blue mattress that lied on the floor by the ladders.

"What did you have for breakfast?" Cas asked, calmly.

Janine fiddled her collar nervously. "Cheese without toast. Nuts without granola. An apple. That's all! I swear!"

Cas stared at Janine silently.

"I skipped the rice at lunch and potatoes at dinner" Janine went on to assure her.

"What did we have for dinner?"

"Something unusual. Stuffed peppers, wasn't it?"

"And what were they stuffed with?"

"Some kind of grain. Bulgur, I think. Spices"

"What is bulgur, Janine?"

"It's a kind of cereal, I think"  
"Ok, since you're being smart. What is cereal, Janine? What is cereal, if we look at this drawing here…"

Cas got up and went to the giant notepad. She flicked the pages back and forth a couple of times, until she came to a drawing of a food circle.

"What is this green area here?" she pointed.

"Vitamins" Janine mumbled.

"And this area, with the meats and legumes?"

"Proteins" Janine mumbled. In shame.

"And this bit with the bread and pasta, what is that?"

"Carbs-"

"Damn right carbs! And what do carbs do?"

"They make you tired and slow and fat, it turns into sugar which is bad for your skin"

"If you could keep up, even if you ate all the bulgur in the world, what would it matter to me? But you can't! It makes you slow, less energetic and you've gotten face rash again! I've been more than patient with you, but you have to choose between eating what you want and being a cheerleader! So which is it going to be?"

"I want to be a cheerleader! Honest! I won't have carbs ever again!"

"Leave now. Go and think about your life decisions. You have one more chance next week. Don't mess it up!" Cas pointed towards the exit.

Janine stormed out of the hall in much hurry. James arrived at the same time as she was leaving. He went directly Cas.

"Hi Cas. I'd like to be a cheerleader" he told her.

"What?" Cas said once she had snapped out of the initial state of disbelief.

"Yeah. I got, erm, banned from quidditch. So I thought I'd just pick up something new. Yeah, why not? Sirius gave me the idea. So maybe he sings show tunes and gives make-overs and calls people 'sweetie', but he's not… I'm _pretty _sure it's all pretend. Not that it matters"

"He _is _the ultimate 'sassy gay friend" said Cas."A straight one. I would know! I think…"

"In any case… It's a long and proud tradition, I hear"  
"You're serious about this?"

"Why wouldn't I be? What was that with Janine?"

"Maybe I was too hard on her" said Cas. "I mean, why does the kitchen have to sneak carbs into vegetables? Makes things confusing. Is it a carb? Is it a vegetable? Difficult if you're cutting back on carbs. And if you scrape it out you have half a pepper… Doesn't it just annoy you?"

"Not really… For every carb I grow another inch"

"Yeah, me too" Cas snapped the elastic waist of her sweatpants bitterly. "So, can you do splits?"

"Hm…"

"Drop and give me twenty splits!"  
As it turned out, James couldn't even do one split.

"You can't even do one split? Aren't you supposed to be all about exercise?" Cas was very disappointed at the revelation.

"When was I supposed to have learned to do splits?"

Cas went to the others, blowing her whistle.

"Shall we do the routine one last time? And you" she turned back to James. "Copy their moves"

The cheerleaders took their positions and awaited Cas' cue. She blew the whistle again.

"_G we're awesome, so, so awesome! R you ready, ready for us? Y are we so very great? F you Slytherin, and F you again-"_

The cheer continued in that vein. The general suckage of Slytherin seemed to be the main theme. This time it didn't end with a pyramid, but with five rows of two people, one on top of the other, and the middle row carrying four people.

"For Slytherin" Cas clarified.

"Good thing you have just the right number of people to do that" said James, out of breath already from having failed to mimic the routine and mainly done a bunch of slap-dash jumping jacks.

"We couldn't do this back when we were only 10. We wanted to just flip the bird, but Sprout wouldn't allow it"

"She won't allow that either"

"When she sees it, it will be too late for her to allow it" Cas grinned. She blew the whistle again and sent everybody to the shower.

"I will be honest" she said. "You are positively terrible"

"It's my first time!"

"I know. If you really wanna do this, you will need daily tutoring! So you better not, you know, go on nightly adventures from now on!"


	8. The story of Caerbannog and Poulet

Part 8: The story of Caerbannog and Poulet

The medieval boat was crowded with snooty and pale purists and they all carried an overall vibe of sinister. They all kind of reminded Remus of a better dressed version of the cast from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. They were also a most fascinating mixture of impossibly beautiful and abominably ugly, all falling into one of the extreme ends and rendering him into a state of cat-staring-at-microwave. In spite of all that make up work, next to these elf-like people Remus felt like Quasimodo. And they seemed to agree that he was not in their league.

"I would never have thought that of you" said Aunt Perpetua, sucking on a cigarette holder. "That you would value a _great personality _after all!"  
_Bitch_, Remus thought to himself. He looked like a young, flat Vivien Leigh, dammit!

"Well, you know" said Sirius. "She's just _so _pure! When she cut herself that one time and I saw her bleed liquid crystal, I just…" Sigh.

"You didn't!" Perpetua gasped and leaned in close. "I thought that was just a story!"  
"It's all true!"

Aunt Gemmata was on the fair end of the spectrum as well, like the majority that was present tonight. Her eyes didn't just resemble the ocean, but a pond with glittering koi fish sparkling beneath the surface. Remus had never seen anything like it and honestly forgot about not staring. There were two of them, both orange and one with white spots.

"So this is the Siobhan Gwynfryn that I have heard so much about!" she said, beaming. "Do you like them? I had them put in last week"

Well, there was the magic of that gone.

"I almost thought they were real, ha ha… Of course that would be impossible"

"Oh no, some have them for real. Aunt Stigmata for example, she has them. But it's very rare"

"How…?"

"Fish parasites" said Sirius.

"Ew"

"You catch them, they lay their eggs in your eyes, they hatch and feed off your pupils until you go blind. Aunt Stigmata was born with them and she got blind at 15"

Aunt Stigmata seemed to navigate just fine in spite of her blindness, Remus thought. But she did have something of an empty stare.

"What happens when the pupil is gone?" Remus couldn't believe he hadn't read about this. Were they perhaps joking?

"They die if they don't hop into the eyes of somebody else" said Perpetua. "Aunt Stigmata doesn't get out all that much, so eventually hers started floating upside down… She had them removed, of course, they started to smell. So anyway, Siobhan, I heard you were Welsh!"

"Yes very, very Welsh"

"I just love Wales, I'm a bit of an enthusiast"

It showed. She wore Stone Henge as a ring and welsh greens hung from her ears.

"Yeah it's great"

"You don't sound it, 'though"

"Well um…"

"She went to a British school in China, you know, Dragonscales" said Sirius.

"I'm a… accent… shifter… Came home just a few weeks ago, because… hereditary dispute and things like that…"

"Over the collected works of the great Caerbannog"

"The druid"

"_The _Caerbannog?" Gemmata gaped. "Founder of magic runes? Merlin's _dad?!_"

"Yeah I was supposed to get his collected work after the recent passing of my grandfather but then Gilligan decided she wanted them also. Gilligan is my sister"

"So you're a direct descendant of Caerbannog the Calamity?"

"Yes"

"Well then it's no wonder you bleed liquid crystal" said Aunt Perpetua, who only just came to join them after having chatted with Stigmata. Gemmata gasped.

"I thought that was just a story!" she whispered.

"It's all true!" Perpetua whispered back.

The ship rocked a bit. Having always been prone to motion sickness, and possibly being amidst of coming down with a flue, Remus had to sit down somewhere. Also, lying and keeping up a façade was exhausting in its own right.

"Some eye fish feed off tear fluid and live for thousands of years and they get passed to each generation, much more romantic" said Sirius.

"Does anybody here have them?"

"Hm…" Sirius looked around.

"I have them" said a girl. She was around their age, judging from her looks, on the fair like an elf side of the attractiveness spectrum and her fish were entirely golden and they hopped a lot. Her hair also had the quality of making it seem like a casual breeze was always gently fanning it, even inside where there was no wind.

"Safiria" she introduced herself. "I don't believe we've met, but I've seen photos"

"Yeah… sorry about not showing up?" said Sirius, although he didn't really know what Safiria had thought of that. Maybe she had been relieved for all he knew.

"Well I don't expect to compete with the descendant of the great Caerbannog, I can see why you passed. You look a bit pale, Siobhan, are you seasick?"

"A bit" said Remus.

"I get seasick too, so I went down to the infirmary and got some elixir for that. It's being used up a lot right now, but I'm sure there's still some"

"Where is it?" Sirius asked.

"Below deck, abaft. I'll show you"

And so they left. And as soon as they had gone, another pair came over.

"Siobhan Gwynfryn, is it?"

Sirius' mum… The legend, the myth. The resemblance was precious. Remus had heard some things about her, all rude, but he had never actually met her before. Her bitchiness had on multiple occasions been subjected to the most poetic circumlocutions. But most of the time Sirius' would call her things like 'cow', so Remus had from that developed an inner image of her being overweight. Not that cows are necessarily overweight. In any case, in reality she was very much the anti-thesis of overweight. She was tall, dark and thin and resembled a frumpy back-from-dead version of Nathalie Wood. She didn't have any exotic tiny fish swimming around in her moonstone eyes, but her hair… By George, it was out of this world. It had a soft silkiness that looked like it would disintegrate at the touch of your fingertips and she kept it in a tight bun that cupped her head in a way that generated the image of a resting watchdog. Yeah, the people here sure knew how to inspire the most overambitious similes. That was another Veela trademark, according to several books; being too beautiful for common adjectives.

"Yes, hello" said Remus, getting up and shaking off the similes that were still trying to form. He suddenly realized that he must have seemed really un-classy for sitting on the floor.

"What a shame that we have been here for over an hour and not been introduced! Is he avoiding us?"

"I don't see why he would want that. There are a lot of people here, that's all"

"Whatever happened to Gilligan?"

"We had a dispute, my sister and I. Hereditary dispute. They got in a fight when he sided with me. Also, I'm a lot purer than she is. My first fiancé died. Natural causes. He was really old, but oh the money! I mean purity"

"Are you nervous or something?"

"Sorry?"

"You're blabbing, girl!"

"Sorry about that"  
They were quite fright inducing indeed. Remus could see why Lily had freaked out. They were so sinister that Remus thought he'd rather be walking under ladders. Ladders were probably afraid of walking under _them_.

"From South Wales, are you?" asked Sirius dad.

Remus had heard nil about him. Not a single thing. Not even anything rude. The only reason Remus knew he existed was that Sirius had sometimes commented in present tense on how their marriage was a disaster. But even in those instances, his mum had gotten most of the blame for that. Seeing them both now together, Remus wasn't so sure that things were quite as black and white as Sirius seemed to want to think. Although his father had a beard, there was just something about his tacky taste in jewelry that made Remus think that maybe the true reason for their disastrous relationship could be found there. No, bad, he was stereotyping! Bad!

"Yes, Swansea" Remus replied.

He hadn't even noticed himself, but his accent was flawless. They didn't suspect a thing. Perhaps speaking in accents was another skill that you got better at while under threat, kind of like how people supposedly got more energy and strength when they ran from lions.

"Everybody is really buzzing about how you are the direct descendant of Caerbannog" said the Mrs dryly. "Did you know that Caerbannog died at the hands of Noire Poulet? Isn't that ironic?"

"Why is it ironic?"

"Don't you agree that it is ironic that you are the descendant of Caerbannog and Sirius is a descendant of Poulet?"

Maybe if Remus had known, he would have found that very funny.

"That _is _ironic. Funny how things work out in the end"  
"Or maybe you were unaware of that fact. Perhaps you don't care about that sort of thing at all?"

She had a very snide demeanor. Sirius often acted like that when they were fighting. He had to remember to mock Sirius for that later. His mum was testing him. It felt like an exam. And exams were just better than cake.

"Caerbannog didn't actually die, you silly French chicken! Did you scrimshank from History class or something? He only died to come back as the Great Owl and pick out the eyes of all the children of Poulet. Except for Guinefort, who was his half-brother because they shared the same mother. Of course I know of Poulet! I hate him because he was sentimental and weak and he walked right into Caerbannogs trap when he gave him that poisoned absinthe. But I bleed liquid crystal, and I want my kids to bleed liquid crystal and right now I have yet to find anybody purer than your frog-legged son! Sure, you're not even really British and you have a couple of muggles in your lineage, but who doesn't nowadays? Well, except for me then! He will just have to do! Now if you excuse me, I am a little bit sea sick!"

Sticking his nose in the air, Remus left then with stormy steps.

Sirius' mum wiped a single tear from her cheek with a gloved finger.

"She's perfect" she sniffed. "At last we will have liquid crystal in our lineage!"

"I thought that was just a story!" whispered the father.

"It's all true!"


	9. A lesson in runes

Part 9: A lesson in runes

The lads enjoyed slacking off at the western stairs of the seventh floor after Ancient Runes class the following day. They had Transfiguration next, and the classroom was just a few ominous corridors away.

"I am in so much pain from all the splits" James complained, stretching his legs out before him. "Areas you can't imagine, said I counterproductively"

"Not such a cake ride after all?" said Sirius.

"I never thought it would be"

"_Can you bring me the crayon please? Can you _bring _me the _crayon _please?" _

It appeared as though Remus had lost his accent the moment it had outlived its use and it was now back to circle just about every area of the world _except _for Wales.

"_The rain in Spain stays mainly in the-"_

"Hello ladies" said James.

Remus dropped his accent rehearsals in a flash.

"How did that boat thing go?" Cas asked, squeezing herself between James and Sirius although there was no room.

"Fine" Sirius got out a drawing pad and drew a bit. "Now, how did you draw that wind rune? A circle, two lines juxtaposed like so… Wasn't there something else?"

The clock on the wall replied first, but not with anything informative.

"There's the squiggle between the lines" Lily thus replied, when nobody else beat her to it.

"A squiggle, you say… Like that?" Sirius drew a squiggle and held up the drawing pad.

"Not quite-"

"Why don't I draw it for you?" Remus tried to take the drawing pad from Sirius, but unsuccessfully.

"You got the squiggle wrong too, remember?"

"At _first! _ Give it!"  
"No, I want Evans to show me!"  
"I don't get it" said Mac, looking up from her homework. "Drawing runes is really difficult. Especially on a pebble with a fine needle. I just keep pricking my finger"  
"It's all about angle" said Lily.

"But the symbols, 'though. It's not enough to memorize them, because you have to alter them depending on the grammar"

"Yeah, it's super hard! Here, will you draw it please?" Sirius passed the drawing pad to Lily.

"Ok, but I will need a crayon"

As if luck would have it, Sirius was fiddling with a rune crayon. A crayon and a tape recorder.

"Can you bring me the crayon?" Lily asked.

But Sirius seemed to find his shoes a lot more interesting.

"Please?"

"Oh, sure!"

And the crayon was brought. And the rune was drawn.

"When you draw rune symbol must always be a verb. So when you want wind, you have to draw the symbol for the Runic word for 'to make wind', and not just the word for 'wind'. The appendix has a very extensive list of prefixes and suffixes. It's all there" said Lily and returned the drawing pad along with the crayon.

"Why, thank you for the drawing and the lesson"

"You're welcome"

Transfiguration turned out to be as boring as predicted. The class was completely theoretical and involved no turning funny things into other funny things. Today they were all instructed to read the chapter about liquid transfiguration.

"Of course you could have done it before class" said McGonagall. "Except when I tell you to read something for class, half of you don't bother!"  
Remus hand shot in the air.

"I've read the whole book twice can I do something else?"

"No. Reading it again shouldn't take you very long"

Seeing as they didn't need to stay in the classroom to read, some students elected to find more private locations, almost rendering the classroom completely deserted when McGonagall thought she ought as well go to her office and correct some exams. And have some wine with that. Put on some Joni Mitchell, even.

Remus closed the book the instant she had left.

"_Can you bring me the crayon please-"_

Sirius sent the tape recorder across the desk.

"My accent was actually perfect last night" Remus shoved the tape recorder away from him.

"Not everybody can recognize a terrible accent when they hear one"

James took the tape recorder and played it. _Can you bring me the crayon please?_

"I'm making a remix" he said.

"Oh! Oh!" Sirius' hand shot in the air. "Make it funky! Disco violins and everything! Sample some Boney M!"

"_She's crazy like a fool" _ James sang, and then played the tape. _Can you bring me the crayon please?_

Sirius took the tape.

"_Ba de ya! "_

_Can you bring me the crayon please?_

"_Ba de ya!"_

"What's in store next for the happy couple, anyway?" James asked.

"It's the strangest thing" said Sirius. "They are completely obsessed with Siobhan"

"Wasn't that what you were going for?"

"I wasn't going for anything more than marrying a pureblood for money. What do I care what they actually think of her? But as it turns out, they think she is pretty awesome"

"So, it's just an added bonus then?"

"My parents don't like people. They don't like each other, they don't like their kids, and they don't even like their friends. They hate _everybody! _Except for Siobhan and her liquid crystal blood"  
"Is that an actual thing, though? I mean, I've heard _stories_"

Sirius shrugged. "I have no idea. But they think Siobhan has it, and I guess that's why they worship the ground she walks on. They want to meet her parents, too. Well, not really, but they say they do because it's the custom thing to say or something. They want to be polite. _Polite! _Can you believe it?"  
"I _told _them" said Remus. "that Siobhans' parents object to the engagement because they think his side is too French and they think that the French are the scum of the earth and ought to be scalded to death in a giant human bouillabaisse. But I just got invited to a garden party"

"For the record, we're not _that _French" Sirius muttered.

"Siobhan thinks so"

"Yeah, well, tell Siobhan that we haven't been French for over a hundred years and it's only on my Fathers' side, so…"

"The Gwynfryns have _never _been French. They're like natives or something. And if you're so un-French, how come you have a French motto? Siobhan wonders"  
"It's fancy- sounding. And old. And what about the Gwynfryn motto: _Sanguis purior ulla est tua? _How is Latin any _less _foreign?"

"That wasn't Siobhans' fault. I just don't know any Celtic"

"_Mon aeroglisseur est plein du le anguilles"_ said James randomly.

"Your hovercraft is full of the eels?" Sirius asked.

"Wow, you really are French!"

"I'm not, I've just been tutored in it"

James got up, grabbing the tape.

"I think I'll go and _faire un le boeuf"_

"Now you're just doing it in purpose"

"Doing what, Frenchy?"

"I'm not French! Fuck you both!" Sirius stormed out of the classroom angrily.


	10. My Sharona

Part 10: My Sharona

When Rol was going to practice that evening, uncertainty suddenly struck her: had she packed her sponge? She stopped at the entrance hall to go through her bag to check. She had remembered to pack it. Then she saw James.

"Hi" he said, in a way that suggested ulterior intent. Rol had suspected, that just because he had appointed her to replace him, did it mean he wasn't going to try and convince her to do things that he saw fit.

"Hi" Rol replied. "How's cheerleading?"

"Great, just… great"

"Great"  
"And you? How's… holding the whistle for a change?"

"It's great! Makes you feel really powerful!"

"Yeah, doesn't it… just…" Nostalgic sigh. "Say, I couldn't help but notice that you've made some major changes. So… soon"

"I wouldn't say 'major'…"

"Gwen and Stacey have switched posts and you have replaced the Reversed Triple 8 with the Vertical Boomerang Zig Zag"

"Yes… I wanted to give it a shot and I think it works really well"

"Did you think there was a problem with the RT?"

"Oh no, but… Honestly, I don't know if you've noticed, but ever since Moran replaced Slab the Slytherins have gotten lot better, so I thought-"

"Of course I've noticed!" James hadn't meant to snap.

"Oh. Ok"

"Sorry. Yeah, I was gonna shake things up too, but I didn't get the chance"

"Do you like our changes?"

"Frankly, I think the Zig Zag is an odd choice. It's kind of dated and Hufflepuff uses it, and you know how well _they _do"

"They do it wrong, 'though. They don't really understand how you pull it off. I wouldn't call it 'dated', I'd call it tried and true. Maybe it's not as flashy as the more modern formations, but it works"  
"Making Stacey and Gwen switch posts was a bit daring"

"Stacey is a much better seeker than Gwen"

"And how is Gwen at keeping?"

"She's good enough"

"'_Good enough'?"_

"There are 150 points in it, so I think things will definitely even out"

"Did you know that-"

"-that the Kenmare Kestrels has made it part of their tradition to never catch the snitch just to prove how little they need to because their chasers are _so _awesome? I think you might have mentioned it. But we're not them, and I don't want to treat our seeker as a decorative piece we don't really need but have just because it's in the rules just to prove something. I mean, really! Hiring a former supermodel to be their seeker is just show-offy"

It sounded like Rol had rehearsed her arguments. And she had. It was unfortunate that James had been banned, but reality was that he had. Now it was Rols' time to shine at last.

"I admit that Chrissy is unnecessarily useless, but it's not being show-offy. They are making an important statement! The 150 points thing is just _so _stupid, and kind of treating everybody else as decorative pieces and that just bugs me!"

"I'm not treating anybody as a decorative piece. Slytherin has always had a better seeker than us, and you know it. Now's the time to up them in that department. Because if we would lose-"  
"-don't even say that-"

"-then we'd look _really _stupid"  
Besides, now Rol and Mort were stuck with Gavin, who simply wasn't as good at chasing and experienced as James was. And he wasn't even as good as Rol and Simon either, for that matter. So could they really afford to completely rely on the chasing points now? But no way was she gonna say that.

"I was gonna do the same thing" said James.

"So we agree then?"

"Not about the Zig-Zag thing"  
"Agree to disagree"  
"You're not at all interested in what I would have done?"

Rol glanced at the hall clock. She did have at least five minutes to spare still.

"Ok, what would you have done?"

"Not that I wanna force my opinion on anyone"  
"Well, I don't know, maybe you have a great plan that I haven't thought of. I'm open to suggestions and criticism"

Oh Rol, she had decided to play the high-road card it seemed. The high-road card was the worst. It was just patronizing and it made James feel as if he was at her mercy or something, and he did not like that at all.

"Never mind" he therefore said.

"What? I really am interested?" The high-road card works every time, Rol thought.

"No, it's actually a bit over ambitious now that I think about it"

"But maybe it has aspects than can inspire me"  
"Go now, don't keep them waiting! It makes them whiny"

"Ok. Catch you later"

Rol threw her bag over her shoulder and continued on her merry way. James didn't much care for the feeling of not having accomplished what he had set out to accomplish. Nor did he much care for not having any influence or control. And for a very brief moment did he even feel a whiff of guilt for having set out to kind of manipulate Rol into doing things the way he thought things ought to be done, when the humble thing to do (not that he had ever been a poster boy for humility) would be to just let go and just accept that Sharona didn't, and never had, belonged to him.

But just a whiff. She had played the high-road card! That was just sneaky! That's what Slytherins' liked to do! They liked to hide behind a façade of being intellectually superior when in reality they weren't smarter than anybody else under their snide exteriors. They were just better at sounding smart and not raising their voices when they got mad. And Rol had done that, because it had the same effect on his pride that a sedative shot had on a yappy-type dog. It had been her clever way of not having to hear what he had to say, because she wanted to make changes she could take the credit for completely.

Then he could suddenly hear the sound of quick footsteps. He turned around and saw that it was Gwen. Gwen was always the latest. She was unmindful and she was currently juggling putting up her hair, doing homework and eating an apple simultaneously. Watching her eat an apple without holding it was quite a circus act.

"_Saliuntin Unocrure!" _she read from the book of spells that hovered nose-level. "_Sali_un_tin U_no_crure!"_

She had gotten quite good at ventriloquism, too. Apple juice dribbled from the corner of her mouth while she muffled practiced her articulation. The book closed itself when she saw him.

"Hello" she said as the book packed itself into her bag. "Do you have cheerleading?"

James had actually forgotten about that completely. And what a convenient excuse to bump into everybody on the team and sneakily plant his ideas on them it was, too.

"Yes. Yes I have"

"I can't wait to see you with pom-poms!"

"You don't get to"

"Sure I will. You guys will be in my field of vision"

"Your field of vision is the field, remember?"

"Oh I don't know. I better check with Rol. I'm sure she won't mind if I steal a glance or two. We all will"

The sport hall was in close proximity to the field, so they were heading the same direction. Now was the perfect time for a chat.

"So, how is Rol handling things?" James tried to sound as innocent as he could, which was quite straining and his throat even hurt a bit when he did. At least he had successfully kept his hands from rubbing together so far.

"Just great! I always knew she had it in her"  
"So everyone's happy. Great"

"Oh yes. Some were a bit annoyed at first because they weren't made captain, but once they saw the improvements the changes brought, they were cool with it"

Great. Just great.

"What improvements would that be?" Innocent as a raspberry.

"Stacey and I switched posts. She has a gift. And I quite enjoy keeping, it makes me feel more involved in the team work"  
"Really? How very interesting. That is just great that everything is so great and perfect and flawless"  
"_Everything _is never perfect. You're headed for failure if you start thinking _that_. There is always room for improvement"

"What do you have left to improve?"

"Always everything. Rol is really taking risks now and trying new things. We're kind of going from being miniature Kestrels to miniature Lanterns. The Kestrels have always been about offence and defense, and the Lanterns are more about syncing. Rol says"

She _would _say that… How is syncing better than offence and defense, if you have to choose between the two, James wondered.

"She uses the machine analogy a lot" Gwen went on. "'_You're a machine!' 'Think like a machine!'"_

"Sounds a bit… programmed. Not much room for improvising in a machine"  
"She's not much for improvising. She's all about control and meticulous planning"

"_Well!_ Whatever works…"

"You don't know if it works until it's too late, 'though. She's obsessed with Slytherin. That's why she's really prioritizing Stacey right now. Those 150 points have never been more important to us"

"But we have always gotten those 150 points"

"Sure, but not because I was particularly great. Mort and Roy were just good at keeping the opponents away from me. Rol wants Stacey to be independent and not for the beaters to be life guards"

It all sounded great in theory, but it was how it worked in reality that mattered, not the rhetorical tricks you used to get your way.

"I'm sure it will work out great" Gwen said, with just a hint of self-reassurance.

"Yeah I can't think of any problem whatsoever, now that you've explained everything" James lied blatantly.

"It's like you said, it's impossible to not prioritize one area a little bit more than the others. Might as well admit it and put the focus where it's needed a little bit more. It makes sense for Stacey to be that area now. Now's the time to up the Slytherins where we haven't before, like Rol says"

"Absolutely. Definitely. So great that you all agree"  
"We don't all agree. But we can't all get our way. Better to accept than fuss. It's best to trust the one with the ideas and we can't do the same thing forever because it will make us predictable"

"There are other changes you could do, 'though"

"Like what?"

Zing. Gwen sounded genuinely interested in hearing about alternatives.

"Working on making Stacey fierce sounds great and all, but it doesn't make sense. You should be trying to up them where they are trying to up you, not where they have always kind of upped us but it hasn't mattered much"

"Yeah but-"

"150 points? We can all see what the other teams are doing. The Slytherins are laughing at you, because they can see that you are nervous. At this rate, you will have a seeker that is _almost _ as good as theirs, beaters that are across the field doing whatever and you'll be letting in more quaffles than usual- no offence- and you will possibly be scoring a little less than usual because Gavin is pretty mediocre. The focus is all over the place and you're slowly becoming slap-dash at everything"  
"What should we do, then?"

"I get banned and within a few days do you already have in addition to my replacement a new seeker. Two newbies that's supposed to be making each other better, but you're too new to provide enough of a challenge for Gavin. You and Stacey shouldn't have switched a post, that's just crazy!"

"Like I said… Rol has a lot of faith in Stacey, she's just better than I was…"

"If you do some calculating" and James had been doing some calculating, and he unfolded a piece of paper with those calculations. "The way things look for you know, this is how the result will be- give or take, depending on circumstances, whatever: your chasers will at _best _make 160 points, Slytherin will at best make 70 points and you have a 40 % chance to get the snitch. Which means that if they get it they will win! A ten point marginal is just too little!"

The remaining core of the apple fell from Gwen's mouth. They had arrived at the sports hall now, where they would part.

"It's just an estimation, 'though…" said James, apologetically for having flared up just a little bit. "Rol's must look different"

"All I can say is I am so happy I am not in charge because I could never make up my mind" Gwen shrugged.

"She knows what she's doing"

"I'm sure of it"

Rol blew the whistle. Five minutes remained of the two hour practice session, minutes that were going to be spent on criticism, reflection and discussion. It was another new thing she had brought to the team.

"You were all great!" she said. "All of you!"

Another thing she brought was encouragement and positive feedback, something that made the other team members feel quite strange. They shifted uncomfortable where they stood.

"Mort and Roy, don't be afraid to get really tough. Stacey has to get used to some rough handling and dirty playing because Slytherin plays dirty. Stay confident, people! Ok, that's basically what I wanted to say. If you have any comments, speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone? No? We all think this works then? Mort?"

"Well" Mort scratched the back of his head. "I mean, you don't know if it works until you test it on the enemy, do you? But… yeah… Risks are… important… New things… And stuff"

"Yeah? Exactly, I agree completely. Look, I think it's scary too. But being nervous is a good thing!"

_Since when, _the other players wondered collectively. Rol was crazy.

"Good for adrenaline! Everyone gets nervous, even the pros! You have to put your foot out to get anywhere, like in the song. Does the analogy make sense? Simon?"

"Yeah I think it makes sense" Simon replied.

"Yeah. I just want you to know that although I'm the 'boss', I still appreciate your input"

Was she drunk? This was all so, so different. Some things just took time getting used to, the others thought.

"I'm scared" Steve whispered to Simon.

"If there's nothing else you can all go and shower now" Rol said at last, allowing them to flee the diplomatic agony.

Meanwhile, inside of Gwen's head, the discussion from earlier was still spinning around.

"Mort?" she said, as they headed towards the changing rooms.

"What?"

"Do you think it was a good idea for me and Stacey to switch posts?"

"She's better than you, wasn't that the idea?"

"Yes, but she is also a more experienced keeper than I am"

"We got to have those 150 points"

"But don't you think that if she was keeping, Gavin would develop more quickly?"

"150 points is a lot of points. The rest of us can just chill"

"Chill?" Steve interjected. "Is that what you intend on doing?"

"It was a joke, Steve, chill"

"Gwen has a point! The change is just too big! Rol thinks she and Simon can make up for the anticipated loss of points that Gavin will bring"

"Gee thanks" Gavin muttered.

"You're new and inexperienced, Gavin. As is Gwen! You'll both be stunted in your growth because you depend on each other for it. And at such a bad time, too!"  
"We will make just as much points as before!" Simon insisted. "We are working at it too, you know! I broke my personal best earlier this week!"

"That's not good enough! You gotta count with marginals!" said Steve.

"Look, it all makes sense" said Mort. "We are finally upping them where we have previously been weaker.

"Why are we obsessing over Slytherin? We are still playing Ravenclaw first and they can at times provide adequate competition" Simon pointed out.

"I like Ravenclaws better too, but they aren't as good as them. I guess they just play too fairly and too much by the rules, I don't know. Slippery Slope has the right idea. Cheating is where it's at"  
"Yeah, exactly, they are sneaky cheaters" said Steve. "It would be just like them to try and mislead us"

"Like we try to do to them?" Gwen asked.

"No, not like we try to do to them! That's different!"

"'Being nervous is a good thing'" Roy snorted. "We've never been nervous before and I thought it was a benefit! But hey, maybe I just like winning!"

"Need I remind" said Stacey. "150 points"

"Need I remind we have never missed them?"

"No, but we have been close a couple of times!"

"Well thank God we've always had a marginal for the possibility of that, although we've not needed it so far!"

"It's about making certain!" said Mort.

"'Making certain'? It's still just as 50/50 as ever, except with less marginal!"

Tempers were running high. Half of them didn't seem to know what to think.

"I'm with Gwen" said Simon. "Rol is great for taking risks. It's what I would have done, too! Don't you think I have ideas? That if I had been captain, I would have… would have…" Simon clenched his fists in frustration and gazed at the far distance as if he was ready to turn his visions into a musical number. Alas, he did not.

"But this self reflecting crap" he continued. "We're getting away from the good core! I miss the good old days of a week ago, when we were still the crap remains of crap that not even crap would touch with a stick, and simultaneously the most awesome team in the multiverse. At least you know where you stood!"

"I always found that strangely paradoxical" said Roy. "I never knew where we stood"

"Don't you see? We're awesome because everybody else is crap. But we're crap because we haven't reached our full potential. That's how I interpreted it anyway. I found it kind of beautiful, that next to our full potential we are but the crap remains of crap that not only crap would touch with a stick"

"Well, we can't all get our way" said Mort. "This isn't a democracy"

"She said it was, the first time" said Gwen.

"And she values our input, does she not?" said Simon.

"What input? What ideas do you have that would be so much better?"

"Gwen should go back to seeking!"

"But Stacey is better, that's the point!"

"Gwen is more experienced with seeking than keeping, when will you get that through your thick head?"

"Hello, 150 points?" Mort shouted.

It was clear that a crack had formed. Two groups of three formed and started snapping fingers in unison as the wind in the trees made a jazzy whistling sound that vaguely resembled the opening tune from West Side Story.

The sound of collective jumping echoed in the sports hall. Cas blew her whistle, passive aggressively. Then she stomped off to James, being quite irritated with him because not only did he keep forgetting sessions and showing up late, he had performed more half heartedly than usual.

"Will you stop looking at the field?!" she yelled at him.

"What? I wasn't. What? I wasn't. I'm done now. I mean, I wasn't"

"I've been patient with you because I thought you wanted this. But if this is just an excuse for you to cast lustful glances at the quidditch team, well… I just don't know. I have to know if you are serious about this"  
"I am very serious!"

"I didn't believe it when you first showed up here. I would never have taken you for someone who was interested in cheerleading. But I thought, hey, who's to say he can't learn to like it if he gets to try it? But then you just- _Stop looking out the window!"_

"I'm sorry, it's just that… I just think that when two groups snap their fingers in unison like in that scene in West Side Story, it's a cause for alarm, don't you?"

Cas looked out the window, impressed. "Wow, they know all the moves! They're not your problem right now"

"Yes they are! I mean… Ok, they're not… You're right… "

It wasn't just about being generally obsessed now. It was about that nagging idea that it was his fault… Was this the result of his opening his big mouth? This wasn't what he was going for. Not West Side Story.

Cas went away, blowing her whistle. "Five more minutes"

James went up to her.

"Look, I was thinking, about these rhyme verse things…"

"What about them?"

"Well, they are kind of boring, aren't they? It's always the same"

Janine stormed out of the hall, teary eyed.

"Good job!" said Cas. "She writes them!"

"I didn't say they were _bad_! Per se… I'm just saying… They could be a lot more interesting"

"Interesting?"

"They're so very… '_We're great and you suck!' _Captain obvious, much? It's like, 'we _know!'"_

"It's what cheers do. It's more about the choreography than the verses, really"

"Within appropriate limits, we are allowed to scream just about what we want, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I guess. Key word being _appropriate_. And _limits_. Limits is probably the key word here. We had a cheer about Salazar Slytherins' mom being a slut once, and Sprout was not amused. Like, what is her problem? She's the head of Hufflepuff, what does she care?"

"I know, she's just way over sensitive!"

"McGonagall drew the line when we called them all inbreeds… The point is that making it personal usually gets us some kind of punishment. I'm not as ready to encourage too much crazy like I did before Sirius got banned"

"Yeah, well same thing there. '_All Slytherins are inbreeds!'_ Captain obvious again, we all know that. It's redundant"

"It was funny, 'though" Cas remembered. "They always try to act unbothered but one time they got _so _mad when we did the Lumberjack Song, except we made it about Voldemort, and…"

Cas laughed so hard at the memory that she clutched her stomach.

None of the teams had benefited from that little stunt, James remembered. The Slytherins had gotten angry but the Gryffindors had found it so funny that they had ended up at a temporary disadvantage. But they had caught up eventually, so it had all be worth it.

"But you know how professors are" Cas wiped a tear from her eye. "They are notorious for being against funny things"

"Yeah, well, being downright rude is just no good" said James. "No, I thought that maybe we could be really _nice"_

Cas was very intrigued.


	11. An incentive for Miss Gwynfryn

Part 11: An offer Miss Gwynfryn can't refuse

The sun shone brightly in the sky. Cherry trees had broken out into an early blossom. Lots of weather magic had been cast here so nobody knew what month it was anymore. It was raining everywhere else in the country. But here at the garden party, house elves in tuxedos carried around trays of Moet et Chandon.

"Why Siobhan I just love your top!" said aunt Ignatia. "Wherever did you get it?"

"Please don't touch me" said Siobhan snootily and walked off. Ignatia looked after her longingly.

"If the Dark Lord ever settles down, I wouldn't complain if it was with Siobhan"

"Oh, what a wonderful couple they'd make! _Then _things would be evil! Properly evil!" aunt Esmeralda agreed.

"Not that it can happen, because she's engaged, of course"

"Surely the Dark Lord must have liquid crystal blood"

"Hm… He's never said anything about it, I don't think, but… it would be a logical assumption to make, wouldn't it?"

After some searching, Siobhan found an isolated bench by a pond. He was quite fed up with the act. Here he put his all into acting as bitchy as he possibly could, and it just made everybody clingier than cat hair. Meanwhile, Sirius just kept randomly disappearing, leaving Remus to just make up crap on his own, hoping he wouldn't accidentally say something that would break his act.

"There you are"

And Sirius' mum was quite possibly the most warm and friendly person he had ever met, which stood in quite a lot of contrast to what he had heard. It was quite surreal. Did he somehow have two mums? And not in a progressive- children's book sort of way.

"Yes, what is it _now?!" _Siobhan replied with exaggerated impatience. He didn't like to be rude to Sirius' mum. He was ok with being rude to everyone else, but you just weren't rude to peoples' mums. You just weren't. Even if they supposedly were the archtrollop of Slagville.

"Would you like to look at our secret library?" she asked sweetly.

Damn it! Why couldn't she have said secret tapestry, or secret jewelry collection or secret vault of golden coins where we take baths on Saturdays?

"Uh… library?" Remus fingered his fingers. "Books are just… _so boring!"_

"But you sure are keen on getting the collected works of Caerbannog"

"Yeah, well… That's _different_. Don't want any of that French magic literature! Shriveling under a salt shaker is all you lot is good for! Because you're all snails, you see. I thought I'd explain that because the intelligence of snails is… limited…"

Why had he ever started this racist business? It made him _so _uncomfortable.

"You… snail"

Having some French ancestry of his own helped, 'though. It gave him a certain snail-word privilege.

"Oh, Siobhan… I like you" she put a hand on his shoulder. "You know why? Because you remind me of a younger me. I think I have something in the library that could be of interest to you"

"What could you possibly have in your library that could be interesting to me, Siobhan Gwynfryn, direct descendant of the great Caerbannog?"

"Come on and see for yourself, why don't you?"

"Oh maybe I will"

"Come on then"

"All right I will"

"Good"

"_Good!"_

The secret library did indeed have something of interest to Siobhan. It had legendary rarities such as _Defy Death for Dummies, Reviving the lifeless, The complete guide to crossing the river Styx, Enter any portal, Advanced mind control, How to kill with a stare, the complete incantations of Goog L Translatus…_ There was not a single hardback or scroll that _wasn't _of interest. Well, possibly the map over Norfolk.

"Yeah we went there one time, we have relatives there" Mum pocketed the map.

"Yeah, well I can't see anything that's… at all… interest… ing…" He got temporarily mesmerized by the Scrolls of Babel. Myth said that if you mastered the language of Babel, there wasn't anything you couldn't control with the power of the word. This was the most amazing place he had ever set foot in.

"Well then it won't matter to you that you will get full access to this library when you've married into the family"

Marrying Sirius had never sounded like a better idea. When could they get married already?

No, marrying for books was just wrong and immoral and… _Was that the _Original Secrets of the Nephilim on the top left shelf by the writing desk?

"Anyway, this is what I wanted you to see" said mum and went to fetch what looked like a page ripped out of a book. Quite a large book, by the size of it.

"Do you know what this is?"

Was that, by any chance, the legendary lost page of Caerbannogs Final Chronicle? That Poulet had supposedly stolen, and had since been sought after for thousands of years, that dark wizards would sell their artifacts for if just killing for it proved to be more difficult than previously anticipated?

"That belonged to my ancestor, the great Caerbannog"

"That's right, until it went on to belong to Poulet. Quite correct, you are"

"Why are you showing it to me?"

She shrugged. "I just thought it would be interesting for you to know that we have it. And you may look at it whenever you want, as long as you ask for permission. You know, an incentive is always a good thing…"

"Why would I need an incentive? I already have an incentive"

"It's not a foolproof incentive, now is it? There's talk, Siobhan, of… more promising incentives"

"What incentives would that be?"

"What are your thoughts on the Dark Lord?"

Another test, was it? Bring them on, why don't you?

"Pathetic" Siobhan said simply.

"Care to elaborate?"

"What is he doing? I have no idea. He doesn't seem to have any sense of direction. He talks big, yet his minions just run around like heedless hens. Exterminate, exterminate! But just who is he after? Does anyone have any idea?"

"Of course, he wants to purify the society"

"That's rich" Siobhan tapped the blue veins of her wrist. "He wants to talk pure he can come to me anytime, and I'll teach him a thing or two about purity. A child with god complex, that's what he is"

"Sounds like you think you'd do a better job"

"Oh I would, and rest assured, you wouldn't survive in my future. But luckily for you, I just cannot be bothered with the effort"

"I don't know where you've gotten the notion that he would be any less pure than you. Why, it wouldn't surprise me if liquid crystal flowed in his veins as well"

"If it did, then how is he not purifying the world from the ones who don't have it? That's my dilemma… If I went on an extermination spree and killed everyone that didn't possess liquid crystal, I'd end up the last person on earth quite likely. And people would start _claiming _they had it, and I'd have to hire a bunch of people to check everyone and… Needle costs… "

Siobhan counted the estimated costs on her hands. "Carry the one…. In any case, I'd rather not have everybody less pure than me exterminated because then who's going to be my slave? I'm allergic to elves, and they're ugly too"

"Hm… Well I am a bit disappointed. But maybe it's just as well…"


	12. A bed time story

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	13. A crack in the machinery

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	14. A delayed proposal

Part 14: A delayed proposal

Being a restless soul, Sirius could hardly make it through a day without getting detention for something. Tonight it was for replacing professor Figley's evening chamomile with liberty cap tea. Nobody liked Figley, so it had all been done in the name of good intentions. But Sirius wasn't just restless, he was also impulsive and thoughtless and easily distracted. No matter how hard he tried to develop plans for not getting caught, something would always catch his attention and his timing would always suffer as a result.

This time he had been distracted by the exam that was coming up in less than a week. It had lied there on the writing desk, shining like a Holy Grail, and he had thought it would be fun to do some quick manipulation. Long story short, it had all resulted in Figley chasing him around the 8th floor with a chainsaw and wearing nothing but a badly tied dressing gown, being in a temporary psychotic state from the tea as he already was. McGonagall had caught them both quickly enough, made her deductions and gave Sirius the punishment of enveloping 600 admittance letters. Secretly she appreciated handing out detentions because it meant less tedious work for her.

And it was very tedious, too. And since there is no restless soul that can handle tedious, Sirius had fetched some Little Mouse Traps from a dusty corner of the office. Little Mouse Traps were bugs that looked like mouse traps, much like how stick insects look like sticks. It made sense from an evolutionary purpose, too; they were often found by actual mouse holes in the wall, because they fed off mouse babies. But they were kind of the termites of the wizarding world and weren't picky with their food.

This is why he got the neat idea of stuffing the letters with the bugs. Because they had sharp teeth and another favourite food of theirs was ink.

This could be achieved because it was poker night in the teacher's lounge.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. McGonagall wouldn't knock. Could it be another professor or just some student? He shoved all the bugs in the top drawer of McGonagall's desk, just to be safe.

It was a student indeed, but not just any random student. It was Reggie, as a matter of fact. And he was wearing that ear hat again. But when he realized that he was still wearing the earhat (he had put it on for motivation), he removed it quickly and hit it behind his back.

"That was just… It's cold" he explained poorly.

"Not my business. McGonagall isn't in right now" Sirius stretched, he really couldn't sit for long before he started feeling stiff. "Can I take a message?"

"I just thought…" Reggie took some hesitating steps further into the office. "Wow that Miss Gwynfryn, she sounds unreal!"

No response. All he received was a blank poker face.

"I sure would like to meet her"

"You should have gone to that boat thing, then"

"I would have, except it's against the rules to leave Hogwarts grounds on weekdays after six"

"Suit yourself"

Scenarios did never play out how you pictured them in your head. Somehow Reggie had pictured a more drastic change in personality. It would probably have been easier to work with.

"More opportunities will turn up, I'm sure" he said. "When is it? The wedding, I mean"

"April 15"

"That's like in two weeks!"

"It was the quickest date we could get"

"Where is she now? Just… making conversations"

"You came here to make conversations?"

"I thought… I was in the area anyway"

"How'd you even know I was here?"

"I heard talk!"  
People did talk a lot at Hogwarts. Reggie found the explanation perfectly realistic. He could have easily heard some girls mention it while he was around the corner or something. Why not?

But considering that not even James knew where he was yet, Sirius found it very unrealistic. As if a sudden need for small talk wasn't unrealistic already.

"Ok, fine" said Reggie, when he realized that his lies were pretty weak. "I wanted to ask about Miss Gwynfryn, is that so weird? There's been a lot of talk! I assumed you had detentions, because when don't you? Professor McGonagall said you were here"

Sirius grabbed a bunch of admittance letters and envelopes, leaned back and swung his legs onto the desk and proceeded with the enveloping.

"Ask away"

"Is it true that her blood is liquid crystal?"

"Yep"  
"Have you seen it?"

"Yep"

"So?"

"'So' what?"

"Where does this put you on the scale of 'Will someone please think of the muggles?' to 'Kill all the muggles!'?"

"Nowhere. I still maintain that we should just kill all the idiots, like I always have"

"Then why are you doing it?"

Sirius bothered to look up from the letters to shoot Reggie a patronizing look.

"For the money! _Duh!"  
_"So… But…" Reggie wondered why he was so unchanged, had the liquid crystal not had any effect on him after all?

"Once I turn 17: ca-ching"

"And she? Does she know it's all for the money?"

"Of course"

"Why would you confess this? You know I'll tell on you"

"So what?"

"Well, no ca-ching for you if I out you"  
"What do they care _why _I do it? Just that I do it at all is all that matters. Driving me away would be driving _her _away, and they don't want that"

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't be the end of it, now would it?" Sometimes Reggie talked before thinking. Much like he had just did.

"What do you mean?"

Reggie blushed a little. Those Veela genetics had done nothing for his shy disposition.

"I mean, I'm just as eligible as you, aren't I? If she's only in it for the money too, I mean"

"I don't know… I'll get _more _money than you, so… The older one is always more valuable, that's just how it works. So they won't exactly _just settle _with _you _marrying someone fancy unless they absolutely _have _to"

That was indeed how it worked. Reggie studied McGonagall's shelf pensively for a moment. A magnifying glass lied on top of a pile of books. He grabbed it and started examining the room through it.

"But wait" he said. "It's not _just _the money, is it? For her, I mean. It's the lineage. Why would she marry you if she knew that you'll just send for the divorce papers after you've cut the cake?"

"I already have the divorce papers. But I will have to save them for our anniversary"

"So why shouldn't I tattle tale now again?"

"I never said you shouldn't. I said it would be of no use. Go and tell everybody but it would hardly surprise anybody _that _much. And Siobhan has her own incentive, doesn't she? She won't care, she will rather convince herself that she can stop me and control me than give up and settle for the second best"

Sirius was quite impressed with how convincing he sounded, when he was really just winging it. But it wasn't very challenging. Reggie had always been preciously gullible. He tossed the letters and envelopes onto the desk.

"Wizard genetic theory is really adorable" he went on. "The basic principle is this: the older the purer. So Siobhan has not only one but two reasons to not let go of me that easily. When it comes to liquid crystal offspring, I am her safest bet where she is concerned"

"Nothing about that makes sense" said Reggie, but unwillingly believing it all nonetheless.

Sirius leaned forwards and put his elbows on the desk.

"You _don't _say! Anyway, it doesn't really matter if it makes sense or not. It can't be proven on any scientific level either way. All she can do is decide what the safest bet would be through whatever warped excuse for reasoning she can find. And the safest bet would be moi"

A cuckoo clock on the wall started hooting as the clock stroke 9. Reggie didn't just feel all around confused, but also side tracked. The door opened and McGonagall entered the room. She started pulling the chiffonier drawers, muttering about some valuable ring that had belonged to her mother. Coincidentally, Sirius slid a ring off his finger silently and slipped it into his pocket.

Then McGonagall turned to him.

"Why aren't you enveloping?"

"I got interrupted!"  
So McGonagall fixed her sternness at Reggie next.

"Visitors during detention hours are frowned upon. Besides, curfew's started. Back to the dungeons with you"

Reggie left, feeling a little crestfallen for not having achieved what he had set out to achieve. That was an annoying feeling. He had forgotten his goal completely. And he could honestly not think of any other way to find out than just go back and ask. McGonagall swished by him, ring in hand along with a whole bunch of jewelry and even a bit of cash, before Reggie had had a chance to wonder if she was still in her office. But now he knew that the coast was clear again for sure. He didn't knock the second time.

"What are you doing?" he stared at the little mouse traps that crawled all over the desk.

"Er, nothing"

Sirius was conflicted. He didn't know if it was worth sweeping them back into the drawers for Reggie or not. He had only started doing that because he thought it was McGonagall that had realized that she had forgotten to check his socks as well.

"Enveloping, what does it look like?" he said.

"Anyway, I just remembered-"

"You heard McGonagall! Visitors are frowned upon!"  
"I'll be brief this time! Where is Miss Gwynfryn?"

Was it weird to call your future sister in all 'Miss'? Did he sound a little too eager to find out?

"I'm just curious, that's all…"

Reggie was just terrible at lying. Maybe he should have asked some other time. Was he acting suspicious?

"She's at Dragonscales" Sirius replied.

"Oh. I suppose she won't be back until the wedding?"

There really was no reason to feel guilty, Reggie thought. There was nothing strange about him asking these questions. There was just something about being a Death Eater novice that just made you feel like a criminal, even if you really were just trying to make the world a purer place.

"No. She won't" Sirius fingers were starting to become read from all the tiny bite marks. But it was worth it.

Reggie left yet again, without saying another word. History of resentment aside, he was still just a teensy bit disappointed that he was worth less attention than little mouse traps. He had wanted the liquid crystal to explain the sudden change of temper in his mum, but there was obviously nothing magical too it. Just placebo. She had just finally met somebody she didn't resent, for the first time in her life. The only question left now was: how could he meet Siobhan before the wedding? He really couldn't think of any other way than to just go to China himself.

The clock hit 10. It was quite peaceful in the dorm, which was rare but hardly surprising, considering Sirius hadn't returned from detentions yet. A record was spinning on the gramophone. Being the reigning dorm champion at rock, scissors and parchment, James had selected some The Sweet to toss around pom poms to as he lied in bed kicking them around and not wanting to go to bed but not having anybody to go and kill time with for the time being.

And Remus was always at his least talkative when he was reading. And when Sirius wasn't around to tell off, scold, correct and to be generally provoked by. And even when he wasn't reading he wasn't usually that interested in looking for treasure in the teacher's drawers, especially not after curfew, although it didn't exactly make sense to do it before curfew.

"So, will you get married for real or not?" James asked. "Or will you get someone to pretend?"

"The position as faux vicar is free, if you're interested" Remus replied, flipping a page.

"Hm… Do I want to help you fake a marriage, or do I want to see you get married for real just for my own amusement…"

"You're not the only candidate"

"Hm, will I find all the plausible candidates and convince them not to help you, by bribes or blackmailing or other means, for my amusement, or will I make things easy for you guys…"

"You think you're the only one who can bribe and blackmail?"

"Have you picked out a dress yet?"

"Would you like to see me in it?"

The door creaked open as the B-side came to an end. The first thing Sirius did was to replace _Desolation Boulevard _ with _Sheer Heart Attack. _The second thing he did was to throw himself on his bed and then solve some naughty crosswords.

"Padfoot do you wanna look for treasure?" James asked really nicely.

"Now? They will be back in their rooms now. Why didn't you come and rescue me or something?"

"Because I'm not that desperate to maybe catch you with your courtesan of the evening! I'm never rescuing you again"  
"While you hung out here tossing pom-poms and fantasizing about me with a courtesan" Sirius started taking off his socks. "I just had my own treasure hunt!"

He removed maybe ten foot rings from each ankle.

"Look at the emeralds on this one!" Sirius dangled it coaxingly. "By the way, we will need a faux vicar-"

"Why bother faking it anyway? You've had all the practice; you might as well do it for real"

Sirius shook his head. "You're sick. You fantasize about me with courtesans, and about guys getting married. What are you, a girl?"

He tossed a ring to Remus.

"By the way, will you marry me?"

"You just took it off your toe" Remus crinkled nose and touched the ring it with a pen, noticing some engravings. "Who's Minerva?"

"You're so unromantic" James told Sirius. "Is that a way to treat the woman you're going to marry?"

"But I don't actually want her, remember?" said Sirius, returning to his cross words.

"You could treat me with a little more respect, considering I had three other proposals at that garden thing" said Remus, returning to his homework and shivering at the memory. "By gentlemen that have a lot more money than you do. My liquid crystal is like some placebo aphrodisiac"

Sirius lowered the paper again, suddenly remembering.

"Why did I ever say that? I can't decide if it was brilliant or stupid. I should have known that people will want proof"  
"So fake it" said James.

"How?"

The room wasn't exactly bursting with alternatives. The wind was quite still tonight so crickets could be heard quite clearly, even if they were far above ground.

"Perhaps if you turned a unicorn into a person" Remus pondered.

"A marionette unicorn person? Really?" said James. "No, you should just-"

"-It wouldn't talk, so you'd have to make it like a marionette-" Remus pondered some more.

"Did you also have some mushroom tea tonight?"

"It would be perfectly doable!"  
"Why don't you just do like they do in the movies and plant some bags of slivery substance where they might try and cut you?"

"But what if it runs out too soon or flows weirdly or something?" Sirius asked.

"Or a marionette unicorn person, that'll attract less suspicion"


	15. Houston we have a mistake

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	16. Not your house keeper

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	17. An extended invitation

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	18. Her last vow

Part 4: Moo ma &amp; Moo pa

The book shop was quite crowded the following morning. The clock pointed to five minutes past 10. Long queues had formed before the table by which the quidditch legend from the Kenmare Kestrels Mr O'Hare would perform the signing. Lily was browsing the charms' section, pondering what funny thing she ought to make Rol do, preferable from behind a corner where nobody could see her, when it started to get just a little bit irritating to have Sirius tagging after, for who knew what ulterior reason.

"The adult department is over there" she said and pointed.

"I know. We can fetch your book first"

"Why are you following me around?"

"Because! You're my _friend!"  
_"Since _when?"_

"That hurts my feelings!"

Lily put a book back in the shelf and selected another to look though, thinking that it was best to not encourage Sirius in any way. There was a massive cheer when Darren arrived, ten minutes late, to sign his book. Meanwhile, Sirius was getting quite bored with looking at books. Book shops just made him really dizzy really quickly and he suspected it was the freshly printed ink. Finding a misplaced adult novel did ease the boredom a teensy bit. He got so hazy from the stuffiness and would probably have fallen asleep standing, had it not been from that voice of horrors that snapped him back to life and sent chills down his spine.

"_Sirius Nathalie Othello Black!"_

Full name. Embarrassing middle names included that just made him want to die like nothing else. It could only mean one thing.

Parents.

He threw away the adult book and turned around with intense unwillingness.

"Hi…"

First, his mother. She swept towards him like a dementor on steroids, fixing him with an icy stare that gave his ears a tint of frostbite.

"Where the Hades were you Sunday?! We waited! Safiria waited!" she shouted.

Heads turned. People wondered who had turned the heat off.

"Erm…"

Second, his father. He was in many ways the opposite of the Mrs. His movement was slower and more calculating, and he was of the variety that preferred the stare-quietly-to-make-them-nervous method of making people talk.

"You promised you would be there!" the Mrs went on to shout. "Did you really think you could weasel your way out of this unnoticeably? If you don't marry that girl you can forget about that trust fund!"

After years of verbal abuse that had damaged Sirius' ears to the point that he was constantly hearing a beeping sound much resembling that of a backing truck, he thought that he ought to sue them for the double of the worth of that trust fund.

"I had homework. I mean detention. I mean homework"  
"Oh, the dishonor you keep inflicting on us! Why, I ought to disown you this instant! What are you looking at, girl?!"

Lily closed her mouth, quite terrified. She would have gladly run away, except she had sort of frozen, either from fear or just the cold.

"I'm _so _sorry, I was just… I didn't mean…" she spluttered incoherently.

"Mother, _please!" _ Sirius demanded, putting an arm around Lily. "Show your future daughter in law _some respect!"_

His mum looked from Sirius to Lily a couple of time, resembling cuckoo clock with computer error.

"_Out _of the question!" she said finally regaining her own kind of sanity.

"Come on why not she's super pure!"

"Did you say _super _pure?" his dad asked, stroking his beard. "What family are you from, girl?"

"Er…" Yeah, Lily had completely lost her ability to think and speak coherently. He mind had long since left. All that remained was her shell.

"This is Gilligan Gwynfryn" said Sirius. "Yes, of _the _Gwynfryns"

"_The _Gwynfryns?" his mum gawked. "I didn't know they had a girl of marrying age"

_What the hell did that mean, 'marrying age', _Lily wondered. Did they live in the middle ages?

"Well, look at her. They kept her in a tower" Sirius plucked at Lily's hair. "Poor darling"

"In any case, what are you thinking? You know our community isn't welcoming of daywalkers!"

"She's not a daywalker! She actually burns pretty badly in sunlight"

_Yes, I am going to kill you later, _Lily thought.

"Maybe this is a compromise we can reach" his dad said. "As long as she dyes her hair. We'll be in touch"  
Then the scary people finally left the building. People started to melt and regain movement and the queue started moving along again. Except the signing time was up and Darren had to leave ten minutes early to much complaining.

"You're an ass" said Lily. "If you think I will play along, Nathalie, you are _very _mistaken!"

"Nathalie was actually a common boy's name in France up until-"

"Bye, Nathalie" Lily stormed out of the book shop.


	19. It's never over

Part 19: It's never over

Everything felt dull and grey. It felt like only yesterday that life had still been joyous and exciting. And it had been. But now, the morning after, heaviness clothed the atmosphere like a dripping rag, colouring the world bland and meaningless. James lied in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling and being so much in shreds after the horrible tragedy that he couldn't even make it to class.

"I just cannot believe it. I just can't"

"I know. It's just so shocking" said Sirius.

"Like… It just feels so unreal. It feels like it was only yesterday that…"

"I know. It's, well, it's a tragedy"

"We _lost! _To _Ravenclaw!"_

"I know. It must be very upsetting for you" Sirius wasn't in as much shreds over the horrible tragedy they had been alerted of only a few minutes ago.

"It wasn't supposed to happen!"

"Well, on the bright side, it's not the end of it. All you have to do now is-"  
"-beat Hufflepuff! _Hufflepuff! _Hufflepuff beat Slytherin last night!"

"Sharona will put them in their place!"

"I don't understand. When did they get so good?"

"Now those supportive splits are more important than ever"

"I feel like it's all my fault. If I had just kept my fat mouth shut-"

"That's just your losers-guilt talking. She could have chosen to ignore you. Blame her"

"When Jones lost his arms in that terrible accident and let me take over, he didn't blab and cause any cracks in the machinery"

"You're pathologically confident. You don't get insecure, you just send everybody who don't agree with you to the Chinese torture chamber"

Professor Bradley the Ancient Runes teacher was handing out corrected exams. His exams were notoriously difficult. He never quizzed you on the chapter he said he'd quiz you on and he'd subtract points if you didn't stick to the word count he had decided.

"How did I get 18 out of 24?" Lily looked over her exam results a third time. "My runes did everything they were supposed to do on the practical bit!"

"Well, you forgot to dot an 'I' there" Mac pointed. "And hyphenated words still counts as two words-"

"He counted them as one word last time-"

"-And you misspelled _supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. _Two 'l's, how could you?"

"You know how when you have like two chapters left of a book, but they are _really _long…"

"Speaking of books, how did you do?" Mac peaked at Remus' test results. "16. Same as me"

"But I have to agree with Bradley, you do write like a handless mole" said Cas.

"My writing hand got injured, ok? It's not that bad…" Remus crumpled the test results and threw it in the trash bin. Missing, of course.

"10 points from Gryffindor" said Bradley.

"Well, we are allowed to ask for re-evaluation, remember?" said Lily, folding her exam paper. "I'm going to correct this myself later- Ow. I hate when that happens…"

She had cut her finger on the paper. Cas and Mac leaned in close. "Has… Has your blood always looked like that?"

The blood that pressed through the cut glittered.

"Yeah… It's totally normal. You can barely even tell"

"What, for muggles?"

"Well, what do I know about the limitations? But Crazy Old Caerbannog had it"

"Crazy old _who_?"

"Oh, my uncle on my mothers' side did some genealogical research last summer. Compiled what he found in a book and gave one to mum and my aunts. Didn't find any celebrities or royalties or anything interesting really… Nope, it is now documented that we have been very, very Welsh since the 800s, because this village fool Gavin Caerbannog left some scribbles somewhere. But hey, at least I can boast with the fact that I have an ancestor who got executed for enjoying running around naked in chive fields a little too much"

The Gryffindor quidditch team was quite pained by grief that evening as well. They hadn't lost any game in five years. This was quite damaging to Rols' pride, of course. But she was determined that it didn't happen again. She was done playing nice. She paced back and forth, studying the players while spinning the whistle that was attached to a ribbon.

"Ok, time to wrap up" said Rol. She looked at them all blankly. "So, are you happy with your performance up there? Huh? Simon?"

"Well, I guess-" Simon was digging a small hole in the grass with his feet.

"Oh, you guess. Ok. Steve? What the hell was that?"

"I'm not sure what you refer to-"

"That everything you did up there the whole time? Did it have a point?"

Steve swallowed and looked away.

Rol shook her head. "We're facing Hufflepuff. _Hufflepuff! _Battle of the sissies! It's going to be tough! But I am very, very confident, that if you give it your absolute all, we will beat them at being the weakest and most pathetic bunch in Hogwarts!"

"I have a suggestion" said Mort.

"Oh, you do? Let's hear it"

"What if, instead-"

"NER! Sorry, times' up. I don't care about your opinions, because your opinions are wrong. Can anyone explain to me how the crap remains of crap that not even a crap would touch with a stick could have a helpful opinion? Anybody?"

Dead silence.

"Because that's what you are. The crap remains of crap that not even crap would touch with a stick. You're all dismissed"

Mort was tearing up. Suddenly he threw himself at Rols' feet and hugged her legs.

"Thank you!"

"Yes, don't mention it…" Pat, pat.

Steve wiped his teary eyes with his sweater. "I feel safe again"

"It's ok, Steve" Gwen sniffed "It's finally ok"

Seven gums on the ceiling formed the Big Dipper, James noticed as he unenthusiastically juggled pom poms in bed. He hadn't left the dorm all day. Sirius had been to a few classes but had only received one detention that he was to serve Sunday morning, because all his evenings ten years ahead were booked. McGonagall wasn't exactly happy about having to get up early on Sunday, but she was determined to come up with a punishment that would forever scare him from all troublemaking. When he returned from a detention he had successfully avoided for almost two years, he was hit in the face by a ball of red and golden frillyness.

"How did you know anyway" James asked.

"Know what?" Sirius was already filtering his mind palace for excuses to leave. "Mysterious business, I'm sure I have some-"  
"Where the Headquarters were, and that they had Siobhan. How did you know?"

"It was elementary. I knew they'd want see if she was as pure as she claimed, for… evil purposes."

"Do you have a cousin on the inside or something, who happens to be jelly-legged for you or something?"

Ew. It was one thing for Sirius to make incest-jokes. He had incest-jokes privilege. He tossed back the ball of frilly.

"Yes. Yes, that is exactly it. She enjoys walks on the beach, comparing DNA-"  
"Hm. Mac is right"  
"About what?"  
"We're all really a bunch of cowards"

"When did she say that? And more importantly, how _dare _she-"  
"We're all so ready to run into DE headquarters and fake our deaths, but we just can't be _honest_. Not even with each other… We'd literally rather _die_"

The pom-poms fell on James' face. He sneezed, because they tickled. And also, Macs' cat had been playing with them.

"I wouldn't go as far as to say there's anything cowardly about wanting to keep certain things to yourself sometimes" said Sirius.

"It is, if it's because you're afraid of being judged negatively for some reason"

"Since when do I care what anybody thinks of me?"

"You'd care if you thought you had failed something somehow"

Sirius pressed down the door handle. "Well, like I said, mysterious business-"

"Can I impart some wisdom?" James put the pom poms away and turned over to his side. "I love imparting wisdom-"

"And the word 'impart', apparently-"

"- it makes me feel like Dumbledore. Here it is: you only fail if you give up"

"I was running out of clichés, so thanks"

"You're welcome"

The End


End file.
